The Bachelorette S16B E05: This Man is Fried Bologna

Ah, it feels like it was just days ago that Clare was having a dissociative episode and getting engaged to a man that couldn’t be less interested in her if he tried.

Mostly because it was. But the Producers won’t let a little thing like forcing two strangers to get engaged stop them from trying to expand on The Most Dramatic Season of [Insert Franchise Show Here] EVER!

Although quite honestly, I’m not sure what their new angle is here. For a season supposedly rife with drama—which it wasn’t, because it was just Clare being overly snippy to her suitors and developing intense Stockholm Syndrome—they sure picked a lackluster new lead.

Why Tayshia? Why not Krystal aka the ex-Mrs. Goose Randone from Arie’s season (and Paradise season 5)?? That vocal fry! That passive aggression! That psychotic look constantly lurking in her eyes! Fresh off a divorce and bursting with insanity, she would’ve been an incredible replacement.

Why not Victoria F from Peter’s season? Just stack her season with all of her friends’ husbands, then sit back and watch the sparks fly!

Or why not Annaliese, also from Arie’s season and Paradise season 5 oh and also Paradise season 6? We could’ve had an entire season centered around black-and-white flashbacks of her carnival ride traumas! We could’ve watched her fall immediately in love with every single man on the show, then go through a deep, soul-destroying depression once she realizes they don’t love her, only to repeat the same cycle 5 minutes later!

After all the Clare bullshit I want real drama, goddamnit! GO BIG OR GO HOME, PRODUCERS.

But alas, the two-time reject they pulled out of the scrap heap is Tayshia, who first failed to win Colton’s stalker heart, and then struck out on season 6 of Paradise. (Well, sort of—she inexplicably dated John Paul Jones on the show, a man 5 years younger in actual age and 15 years younger in emotional age, broke up with him before it ended, reconciled with him after, and then dumped his ass yet again just weeks later. So.)

This is a woman who’s main personality traits are not having a personality, and waiting 6 fucking years to bang her ex-husband despite not being a virgin before meeting him.

Cool.

Let’s dive in.

Nervous Wreck

We left off last episode with our gaggle of bros pacing around yet another hotel common room, eagerly awaiting the arrival of their new mystery Bachelorette.

Tayshia, who admittedly looked fierce AF getting out of her limo, struts into the room, eyes the man meat, and…promptly flails.

She doesn’t know what to say to the bros. The bros don’t know what to say to her. Tayshia stutters out an awkward intro and repeatedly smacks her body mic. Girl, you’ve worn a mic for two seasons before this one, it’s really not that difficult.

It’s clear at least 50% of the bros have no idea who she is. It’s clear 100% of them just care that there’s a new warm body for them to fight over.

After declaring Tayshia declares they’re gonna have a “bomb-ass summer!” the men begin whisking her away for some 1:1 time. Jordan C breathlessly complements her “big-ass eyes.” Blake Moynes continues to reveal his sociopathic tendencies. Both Ivan and Riley basically tell Tayshia she’s way hotter and younger than Clare, so they’re excited to have the chance to try to bang her in the Fantasy Suites.

But then, who swoops in to steal Tayshia for a moment? Why, it’s Chris Harrison! And he’s got a gift: a limo crammed with fresh man meat! Hooray!

As the old bros panic and seethe, pawing at the common room windows like particularly dense zombies, Tayshia flits off to greet the new meat. Spilling out of the limo are:

Spencer, a 30yo real estate agent from San Diego, who can certainly get it (both with me and with Tayshia)
Montel, a 30yo fitness instructor from south of Boston
Noah, a 25yo registered nurse from Tulsa, whose mustache resembles Hitler’s when he ran out of razors in the bunker
Peter, a 32yo real estate agent from north of Boston

Their entrances are…well, boring. Utterly boring. Not one of them bumbled out in a gigantic plastic bubble. Not one of them sashayed over in a sloth costume. Not one of them clambered over with a fake pregnancy belly. This pseudo-season is already a fucking disaster.

One by one the new bros are thrown into the mix. Spencer confidently strides into the common room to meet the old bros first.

“So, which one of you scared Clare away?” he asks, smirking, causing the bros to nearly riot. They CANNOT believe the AUDACITY. I love it.

Spencer then swiftly charms Tayshia away for some 1:1 time. This very nearly kills the bros that weren’t already keeling over and clutching at their chests. How dare a man have the foresight and fortitude to speak to a woman first??

Out of the old bros, Tayshia seems to gravitate towards our Belgian-loafered hero, Bennett, and Brendan, whose Steve Jobs-style black turtleneck apparently drives her absolutely wild. Sure. They seem to hit it off intensely, to the point where Twitter began panicking that she was going to hone in on Brendan and also elope within two weeks. What do I say to that?

DO IT. DO IT, TAYSHIA. Let’s have an entire season of desperate women running off with the first helpless schlub that shows them an iota of respect or attention! Then let’s launch a new series, Bachelor in Purgatory, where we get to watch all of our quickie couples disastrously self-destruct on national TV!

“Is it hot in here, or is it just this turtleneck in the middle of the desert?” (ABC)

At the end of the night, the second First Impression Rose of the season goes to Spencer, likely because the Producers needed it to, but also because Tayshia seems like she’d very much like to bang him in her suite at least once before she runs off with Brendan.

Ah, love.

Anyway, Tayshia cancels the Cocktail Party and the Rose Ceremony—but not because she’s already met her man and/or wants to leave our bros anxiously hanging for the next 72 hours straight. No, instead our intrepid heroine wants to keep ALL the bros and give them all an equal chance!

Yay.

Breaking Bad

BUT WAIT! Our progress on the season comes to a screeching halt with Chris Harrison breaking the fourth wall and forcing us to sit down for a little tête-à-tête with none other than Clare and Dale, those fucking losers we just finally got rid of!

It’s bad.

It’s so bad.

Clare is so delusionally happy and so wrapped up in her joy over finding a man that hasn’t ghosted her yet (“yet” being like, 2 weeks) that she’s completely blinded herself to the fact that Dale isn’t into this in the slightest.

Like yes, he likes banging her, and he likes the attention, but GIRL. COME ON. Dale doesn’t want to be there. Dale went on the show for D-list fame and to make a quick buck hawking absurd manscaping products and gummy vitamins on the ‘Gram. He didn’t come to for the ultimate of cuffing seasons.

My favorite part of the segment is watching Dale’s soul leave his body when Clare squeal-screams about wanting babies RIGHTTHISVERYSECOND.

God speed, soldier!

Zaddy once again aggressively demands to know if Clare and Dale talked before her season. She swears again on her father’s grave that they didn’t. Man, her dad’s ghost must be PISSED.

And that’s it.

Cool.

Here’s to a Second Shot at Love

Somehow, there’s still an hour of this shit to suffer through. There’s not enough merlot in the world for this.

At any rate, we finally get back to Tayshia just in time to watch her fake journal. What is with this fucking schtick? She must be doodling a Date Card (I can’t imagine trying to quarantine all the interns) because it’s time for a Group Date!

With the threatening message “Here’s to a second shot at love!” bearing down upon them, we have:

Blake fucking Moynes
I’d-Rather-Bang-You-Than-Clare Riley
Huggy Zac C
Popcorn Jordan C
Hitler ‘Stache Noah
The Peter That’s Blessedly Not Webber
Kenny the Boy Band Manager
Straightjacket Jay
Eazy the Accused Rapist
New Season Villain Spencer

Off to try to salvage the smoking, ruined carcass of this season.

BY DIVING INTO THE POOL FOR A SPEEDO-CLAD GAME OF SPLASH BALL.

NO, I’M NOT FUCKING KIDDING.

“So wait, you’re telling us we have to get naked again, and we have no other choice"?” (ABC)

The men are presented with blindingly bright neon speedos and told to get the fuck into the pool. One bro declines and opts for swim trunks. Why the FUCK is this show the way it is?

Tayshia and Zaddy clap in delight as they watch the men once again hyper-sexualized and forced to engage in mostly naked physical combat for their pleasure.

It’s nice that after the backlash following the strip dodgeball date, ABC learned their lesson and decided to edit accordingly.

Too-tiny speedos aside, there’s some major drama brewing in the pool. Riley is Angry that Spencer had the audacity to be good looking and talk to Tayshia, so he aggressively goes after him and ends up whapping him in the face, drawing blood.

Spencer of course uses his boo-boo as a way to gain every more favor from Tayshia, and Riley is apoplectic. Bro, what the fuck did you think? Making the new favorite bleed from his pretty face is the fastest way to get him into Fantasy Suites.

To add insult to literal injury, Spencer’s team wins the speedo splash party, and Tayshia lavishes even more attention on him. I was really hoping Riley would just up and peace, but alas, that is not the case.

“This is my one-way ticket to Fantasy Suites!” (ABC)

Riley and the bros try to go after Spencer while they lounge out by the pool, but they just make Spencer and his draw to Tayshia stronger. Amateurs.

Kenny tells Spencer he comes off as “kind of a dick.” Spencer sort of shrugs in acknowledgment.

Riley tells the cameras that Spencer is a pretty boy, and “lunchmeat” where he comes from. “This man is fried bologna,” he adds. Like, dead serious, he legit says that to the cameras and think that makes him sound big and threatening and scary.

Eazy then gets some airtime, because—once again—why would the Producers do anything in the slightest to prevent a woman from being along with a man they know is accused of rape?

Finally done trying and failing to ruffle Spencer, Riley gets some 1:1 time with Tayshia—and promptly regrets it. “I WANT FIVE CHILDREN!” She squeals, coming unhinged.

Meanwhile, Jason—the man whose fragile mental state was gleefully exploited by Producers for a super fun, damaging therapy date—is having a rough time. He’s struggling with having had feelings for Clare, and then having to refocus on Tayshia. Ultimately, he self-ejects.

Now this, in and of itself, it a good thing. If Jason doesn’t feel like he should be there, and that it’s too much for him, that’s a really good thing. Not that I want him to feel that way, but it’s more than a valid reason for leaving. He should do what makes him happy and feel stable and fulfilled.

However.

Jason tells Tayshia he’s peacing because he’s in love with Clare.

JASON. HONEY. YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH CLARE. YOU WENT ON ONE DATE WITH HER AND THEN MAYBE SPENT 10 MORE MINUTES TOTAL WITH HER. YOU’RE EVEN LESS IN LOVE WITH CLARE THAN DALE IS.

Tayshia, because she’s definitely a strong, sassy, confident, take-no-shit woman, promptly sobs and falls apart. “I knew this would happen!” She wails to the cameras. She’s falling apart because men that were there for Clare initially may not like her as much.

TAYSHIA.

You just dodged a massive bullet with Jordan. Best case scenario he’s a deeply troubled man that has year of therapy ahead of him. Worst case scenario he’s got a basement full of dead women that look just like his mother.
Part of being mature and ready for an adult relationship is understanding human relationships, and realizing the nuances of a situation like this. You are entirely incapable of this. Of any of this.

Just Horsin’ Around

But fuck all of that, it’s time for a 1:1 date! Off for a bit of horseplay with Tayshia is Brendan! And…Chris Harrison?

In one of the most infuriating schticks of all time, our daring duo set off for an awkward horse clomp around the resort, only to be thwarted at every turn by Zaddy.

First he pops out of the bushes to hand them “Signature Harrison Margaritas” which okay, that alone I’m fine with. But he then literally sprints over to a scooter, and screeches out from the shadows to smash ice cream cones in their hands. And then he comes careening around a corner to hurl glasses of coconut milk at them.

Brendan is more than annoyed at all the cock blocking. I feel badly for him, until he launches into a monologue basically telling Tayshia how much younger and hotter and better she is for him than Clare was.

Tayshia, because she’s Tayshia, drinks it up like more of Zaddy’s fragrant coconut water.

Ahead of the date’s dinner portion, Brendan freaks out about having to drop a bomb. Turns out he’s divorced! Whatever will Tayshia think of him when she finds out! I love it that he tells this to multiple Producers in front of multiple camera crews, and not one of them informs him that Tayshia is also divorced.

Watching him sweat is my new favorite game.

Anyway, he anxiously admits he’s divorced, Tayshia commiserates, he gets an Immunity Rose, they enjoy a makeout sesh in the pool, and then Tayshia showers him with fireworks display. We’ve got Bachelorverse Bingo, baby!

Until next week!

Hi.