The Bachelorette S16A E04: Should I Stay or Should I Go
If there was ever an episode of a Bachelorverse show that so succinctly captured everything wrong with the franchise, it’s absolutely 1000% this one. This gift-wrapped turd of an episode is so hilariously stupid I can’t believe I managed to get through it without dying of alcohol poisoning from the 15 bottles of wine I had to down just to make it to the end. If there was ever a way to slow time to a screeching halt, it’s by putting this episode on and watching 2 hours somehow turn into 200.
What’s supposed to be an ode to maturity and the badass-ery of a strong woman pushing 40 in style has officially collapsed into a black hole cesspool of Stockholm Syndrome, absurdly rushed major life decisions, wild Producer editing, and a man who just wanted to dress like a taco for some fast fame being forced to commit to a woman he barely knows.
(People Magazine)
Let’s dive in.
A Riddle Wrapped in a Mystery Inside an Enigma: Part 1
Where is Clare? What’s going on? Has Dale won the season? Is everyone going home? Is this purgatory?
These are just a few of the questions the bros debate while they’re seemingly trapped in the common area outside the conference rooms of La Quinta’s business center.
It’s been approximately 72 hours since they last saw Clare or had any indication as to what the fuck was going on. Are they preparing for a group date? Is someone getting a 1:1? Are Clare and Dale banging right this very second?
Kenny gets all riled up and is ranting about how unfair this all is, and while I agree with him, I cannot, in good conscience, allow a Boy Band Manager with circa 1998 hair speak about literally any other person on this planet.
While the bros stew, we’re treated to the absurdly staged scenes of Clare and Dale both independently journaling their feelings. I assume Clare’s entry is just one unending string of Mrs. Dale Whatever His Last Name Is <3 <3 <3 and Dale’s is a frantic letter for help to the outside world.
This gives me PSTD-riddled flashbacks to Colton’s vlogging adventures, although I’m somewhat pulled back to reality by the amusing idea that the Producers think either Clare or Dale can read.
Zaddy Chris Harrison interrupts Clare’s doodling to grace us with one of the weirdest, most uncomfortable scenes ever. He drops the “bomb” that the bros are upset with Clare, you know, already having left them all for Dale. At this point, I have no idea what’s actually happening.
Clearly, neither does Clare (ABC via Entertainment Weekly)
Is ABC legit screwing Clare over and pushing her out early because they realized this season’s gonna badly bomb? Do they sense there’s true love between Clare and Dale and they realize it’s not fair to the bros to keep them hanging on? Do they want to up the drama to never-before-seen levels by blowing up the season and sacrificing a new Bachelorette to the gods?
I have no idea. Bachelor Nation has no idea. And honestly, I don’t think the Producers have any idea either. Some unholy combination of absurd editing, poor planning, terrible contestants, and a lust for drama have brought us this dumpster fire, and who are we to deny it?
Zaddy demands to know if Clare and Dale were canoodling before the season. “Don’t fuck with me,” he repeats ominously, a charming response to his female lead. Clare swears on her departed father’s grave that they didn’t. But she does admit to stalking the ever-loving shit out of him on Insta. Giiiiiiiirl we all know you two were at least sexting like fiends in those DMs, just come clean and let’s get this over with already.
Clare cries and says she knows it’s not fair to the bros to string them along, because she’s in love with Dale and she can’t hide it from the world any longer.
“Clare, you’ve been looking for a man that reminds you of your dad,” prompts Zaddy. “Is Dale that man?”
“Yes,” gushes a tearful Clare.
I excuse myself to smash my head against my exposed brick wall.
CLARE. Honey. You’re 39. You’re not in love with Dale. You know better. You’re in lust with his handsome taco ways and you’re confused and you’re suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and you’ve convinced yourself—after four previous failures on this franchise—that Dale is the man for you because you’re exhausted and you just want to get off this wildly careening train.
I get it. I do. When we’re single in our mid-late 30s things can feel scary and overwhelming, especially if we want kids and are staring down the barrel of perimenopause. And for Clare, whose lost her father and is rapidly losing her mother, she must be freaking out. But that doesn’t mean we jump for the first guy that shows us some iota of genuine attention. Or, at least, it shouldn’t mean that.
But the Bachelor Gods, seeing the opportunity here—one way or another—jump at this feast of drama. As Zaddy says, Clare’s “blowing up The Bachelorette,” which means she’s about to profess her love to a barely 31-year-old dude she barely knows, and is gonna send her gaggle of remaining bros packing.
Well, not without a little more psychological torture for all involved, of course.
Hitchhiking for Love
Bending the laws of time and space, Zaddy suddenly appears in the business center to inform the bros that there’s not going to be a Cocktail Party OR a Rose Ceremony. He then pulls Dale aside, and the two disappear out the door while our bewildered batch of bros try to wrap their minuscule brains around this new situation.
For the love of god, won’t someone tell them what’s going on? OF COURSE NOT!
The bros are in an uproar. They have every right to be, but of course Kenney and Blake Moynes are way overly obnoxious and entitled. I don’t give a fuck about them tbh. I don’t even care about any of the remaining bros, other than Dr. Joe and my Belgian-loafered Bennett.
Outside, Zaddy coyly tells Dale that Clare just wants a 1:1 with him tonight. Dale is clearly torn between panic and his dick—this sounds like an excuse for some more dry humping, but also feels like a trap.
As long as the scales tip in his favor, Dale’s good (ABC)
Some indeterminable time later, Dale and Clare sit down to what appears to be dinner, but could very well be brunch. Time and space have no meaning or reason at this point.
Dinner is hilariously stupid. The two bond over stories about how their dads like, hitchhiked to their moms in the name of love. Clare casually drops that her parents’ names are James and Lily, and a thousand Harry Potter memes are spawned. Clare tells Dale she loves him, and after a moment of such pure panic crossing Dale’s face that I ALMOST felt badly for him, he tells her he loves her too.
LOL. This poor fuck. He came on the show for more Instagram followers and a sea of babes, and he’s stuck professing his love for a woman he’s spent a maximum of 4 hours alone with (fine, 6 hours, if we count his time on Group Dates).
The cameras cut back to the panicked bros, still stressing and raking their hands through their perfectly coiffed hair back in the business center. I really hope someone put out a few bowls of fresh food and water for them, because I’m pretty sure they’ve been alone for nearly a week at this rate.
Usually I LOVE watching confused man babies plod around without any direction or support or sustenance, but even I feel badly for our gaggle of rejects at this point.
Over at the most ridiculous 1:1 Date of all time, our tragic twosome leave their breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinner to go dance to shitty music from the winners of Listen To Your Heart. It’s Bachelorverse bingo!
See?? They DO have careers!! (ABC)
Then the camera crew gets to go watch them fuck back in Clare’s room.
A Riddle Wrapped in a Mystery Inside an Enigma: Part 2
The next morning, Zaddy and Clare gather for some post-booty call gossip. “I told Dale I loved him!” She chirps excitedly. “And he didn’t run away!”
Girl’s bar is so low it’s in literal Hell.
Zaddy then drops yet another bomb, and this one is shocking—Dale needs to propose. Tonight.
Wait. WHAT?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??
THEY DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER, PRODUCERS. THE PEOPLE THAT PROPOSE AT THE END OF THE SEASON BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER, LET ALONE SOME SCHMUCK THAT USED TO MODEL TACO COSTUMES AND HAS SPENT BETWEEN 4 AND 6 HOURS WITH CLARE IN TOTAL. THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. WHAT STRONG, SMART, BADASS ALMOST-40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WOULD AGREE TO THIS?
Oh. Right.
Although there’s just one small, pesky detail that needs to happen before the Producers thoroughly and utterly destroy Dale’s life.
The remaining 15 bros!
After more than a week left trapped in a common room without any updates whatsoever, Clare finally drops by the business center because she remembered there were still, like, 15 guys trying to win her hand in marriage.
Clare thanks all the bros for coming, doesn’t even remotely address the fact that she’s literally abandoned them multiple times for multiple hours (and now multiple days) and is like “I’m gonna be with Dale, byeeeee!”
No, literally. The bros are gobsmacked. Clare’s gobsmacked that they’re gobsmacked. The Producers begin jerking each other off in delight in the corner.
Clare refuses to apologize, even after multiple bros tell her they feel like they were treated poorly and that this wasn’t fair. Honestly, the AUDACITY.
After the deed is done, Clare goes outside and promptly starts sobbing to a group of Producers and cameramen. She says how this brings up old trauma and how it’s making her a mess. She’s TOTALLY ready to get engaged to someone and be in a serious, committed, healthy, lasting relationship.
Dale, blissfully unawares, is back in his room getting ready for another night of sweet, sweet dry humping on camera. Zaddy swings by to casually tell him that Clare’s waiting for him to propose right this very second, and that he has Neil Lane on speed dial for the occasion.
You can see Dale’s soul leave his body after about 5 solid seconds of his brain processing this information.
So, clearly, they get engaged like 5 minutes later.
Seriously.
No, like, seriously. For real, they get engaged.
No, like, for FUCKING REAL (ABC)
It’s the worst engagement I’ve ever seen in my entire life. There’s not one ounce of genuine emotion or enthusiasm. There’s clearly no genuine love because THESE TWO IDIOTS ARE VIRTUAL STRANGERS. You’d think they were on their way to the dentist, not getting engaged. You can watch Clare trying to cram this into her emotional void and pretend like the is everything she’s ever wanted. You can see Dale already planning on how he’s going to break up with her once they leave the show.
Then they go back to Clare’s room and fuck in front of the camera crew yet again. Someone give those guys a raise, stat.
The Bachelorette Season 16B
As Clare and Dale skip off into a life of false, stunted bliss, our bros gather mopily to learn their fates. They discover Clare and Dale are engaged, and they all lament the loss of their true love. They’re devastated. Crushed. Inconsolable. They’re totally all getting sent home without an actual season, right?
Wrong! Why, there’s another Bachelorette clawing her way sexily out of a pool as we speak! The bros are so excited! Clare who?? Every single bro chooses to stay and try to shoot their shot with some else. Hooray, women are interchangeable!
Now, let’s not bog this moment down with such pertinent questions as “Why was there another Bachelorette lurking in the wings, considering she would’ve had to have arrived around the same time as Clare for quarantining” and all that nonsense. Logical inquiries have no place here!
Instead, let’s just focus on Tayshia, our new sacrifice! Admittedly, she looks fucking fierce as she gets out of the limo. I still can’t stand her, but girl can rock a dress.
Fierce, but also willingly dated John Paul Jones (ABC)
Tayshia’s edit seems to be “Forget the old bitch, boys, your hot young thing is here!” But she does seem nervous as she talks to Zaddy, knowing Clare’s leftovers are waiting inside for her. Is this what every little girl dreams of? I know I did!
And then we cut to black.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
