The Bachelorette S16B E06: Looking for a Grown-Ass Man
Once upon a time, there was a Bachelorverse where actual grown-ass men congregated. That was when both men and women were in their late 20s and early 30s, when job titles were a sea of Nurses, Engineers, and (legit) Sales Associates, and when contestants were genuinely willing to try a genuine approach to finding love.
That time has long since passed.
Sure, we may have a 36-year-old male lead, but his season will be stacked with 23-year-old women. Sure, some contestants (see: Rachel, Kelley, Brian Abosolo) have actual jobs, but most gleefully call themselves Social Media Participants, Aspiring Dolphin Trainers, and whatever the fuck a Whaboom is.
While our contestants say they’re here to find love, the vast majority are here for a grasp of fleeting fame, hoping they can make enough of a name for themselves to skip a real job forever and instead live off their earnings from hawking weight-loss gummies and cheap jewelry on Instagram.
The idea of any sane woman marching onto this show and declaring she’s ready to find a “grown-ass man” is so hilariously deluded that you have to assume she, herself, is just another cog in this Instagram influencer wheel. Which, of course, duh.
So when Tayshia decides her new tagline is just that—“I need a grown-ass man”—I have no choice but completely write her off. I mean I’d already 99% written her off, but this is the final nail in the coffin.
Tayshia isn’t here to find a grown-ass man because no actual grown-ass man would willingly go on The Bachelorette. And she knows this, because this is her third fucking go on this franchise.
But that won’t stop our intrepid heroine, because she doesn’t actually give a fuck.
Let’s dive in!
Daddy Daycare
Because the Producers have completely given up on date ideas, we kick things off with a Group Date straight from high school hell. Off for the chance to humiliate themselves even further are:
Montel the Quiet New Guy
Ivan the Aeronautical Engineer
Demar the Skydiver
Knight in Shining Armor Chasen
Bubble Boy Ed
Belgian Loafers Bennett
Dr. Joe
They’re greeted by none other than Ashley I and Jared! Too shining beacons of maturity and emotional stability, who are totally ready to dole out life advice because they finally dragged their on-again/off-again romance to the alter.
Today’s date starts off with a math lesson, which only proves that none of the men can add, let alone process complex thoughts. Hilariously, the worst mathematician in the room is Bennett—yeah, the super loaded guy who went to Harvard. There’s also, why the hell not, a spelling lesson during math. Hilariously, the worst speller in the room is yet again Bennett—who couldn’t spell the word limousine. The irony!
My favorite part here is that it proves you don’t have to be smart to go to Harvard, you just need to be white, rich, and handsome. Well let’s be realistic, you just need to be white and rich. Oh who the fuck am I kidding, you just need to be white.
Next up is gym class, where the bros engage in a thrilling tug of war game. Bennett bails due to “an old football injury” (sure) and the bros puff their chests in excitement, sensing a weakness among them. Chasen does particularly well, but you can see from the fervor in his eyes that this is the beginning of a spectacular downfall for him.
The last class in the day is Home Ec, if your Home Ec teacher was secretly banging you on the DL. That’s right, it’s Breakfast in Bed time! Tayshia snuggles up in a bed that’s just sitting in the middle of the hotel kitchen like any of this makes any iota of sense.
The men feed her various brekkies. Ed somehow ends up doing pushups with Tayshia on his back. Chasen decides he’s the main course and just whips his shirt off and climbs into bed with her. Bennett decides that’s gross and he’s going to do it the “classy” way by climbing into bed with her while wearing a robe. He feeds her beignets and this signals that he’s A Grown-Ass Man TM, so he wins.
Ed somehow loses (even after that show of strength!) and is dubbed The Man Child TM, and inexplicably is handed a crying baby doll that 10/10 has murdered several people. He must now carry this possessed baby doll for the rest of the evening.
At the cocktail portion of the date, Bennett is still wrapped in the fluffy hotel robe, much to the fury of the other contestants. Seriously, they’re like beside themselves. Did they not watch Becca’s season? Because he could be wearing shiny gold hot pants given to him by the Bachelorette, just like Jordan did. Count yourself lucky, bros!
Bennett tries to whisk Tayshia away for 1:1 time before she even greets the men, and she shushes him to say hello. Chasen then jumps in and steals her first, which turns Bennett into a whiny little bitch. C’mon, Bennett—I don’t mind if you’re illiterate or if you can’t do basic math, I still love you, but I have to draw the line at incessant whining.
Unfortunately, the whining has been let out into the world, which means every other bro must now begin whining themselves. I read a recap of last week’s episode where the author declared this group of men was the most mature and endearing in a long time, and quite frankly, I have a question for that person—what kind of head injury did you sustain?
This is the whiniest group of man babies I’ve seen yet. Granted, Clare ignored them for 2 full weeks straight and they had no other choice but to huddle together in a business center and lament their life choices, but I’ve yet to see one iota of personality among any of them that isn’t Whiny Bitch.
Things come to a boiling point when Ed and Chasen begin battling it out. Ed, still cradling the possessed baby doll, declares Chasen is Not A Good Guy because he called Tayshia a “smoke show.” Look, I’m all for men not being disgusting pigs, but breathlessly calling a woman a smoke show (without doing anything gross before or after) is fine. In and of itself, and in this context, it’s a compliment.
But it’s ammo for Ed, because the other bros had jumped on the term as well. None of them give a flying fuck—the guys getting upset about the term are the same ones telling Tayshia she’s way hotter and younger than Clare, and they can’t wait to fuck her in Fantasy Suites—but it’s an opportunity to take down another contestant and put them one step closer to pound town.
Chasen won’t stand for this kind of defamation, and promptly fights back, declaring Ed has “chicken legs.” This stunning display of grown-ass manliness simply takes my breath away.
This of course cues up a classic Battle of the Bros. Ed’s the first to tattle, telling Tayshia that Chasen’s got some issues and shouldn’t be here. Normally this tactic backfires and the narc gets sent home—but because Tayshia’s looking for a REAL man, she indulges it and basically just lets Ed and Chasen run wild.
Even while Chasen repeatedly refers to himself as Wolverine, and keeps ominously whining about how we don’t want to have to see him transform. Uh, Chasen, honey. No.
Chasen then threatens bodily harm, Ed squeals and runs to Tayshia on his little chicken legs, possessed baby doll still in tow. Tayshia allows this display of toxic masculinity because, once again, SHE’S LOOKING FOR A GROWN-ASS MAN. And what better options than these two buffoons right in front of her!
Ben gets some quality time with Tayshia next, which includes a genuinely pleasant conversation, some good chemistry, and a nice kiss. So of course, when he doesn’t get the Group Date Rose, he starts singing a sad ditty that goes a little like this:
“Hi, hello, I’m Ben / I didn’t get a rose again.”
He wails about wanting validation, despite…just having more validation with the lead than 99% of men this entire season. But of COURSE he’s just another GROWN-ASS MAN in the bunch, amirite?
Anyway, Ivan ends up blindfolding Tayshia and feeding her strawberries, which definitely isn’t weird in the slightest, and he wins the Group Date Rose.
The Rose Ceremony
It’s almost time to boot some bros! But first, we’re treated to approximately 15 more hours of Ed and Chasen arguing. Chasen once again declares Tayshia a “smoke show” and angrily insists all the other bros need to refer to her as such from here on out. Ed, against all odds, is still clutching the possessed baby doll.
Wild insults are slung between the two, including “You’re like a Zac Efron movie!” and “That’s some jibber-jabber!”
No, seriously, those things are said. By two adult men. On national TV.
On a more positive note, Bennett all but cements a rose by dangling a trip to Paris right before Tayshia’s bougie eyes, and Dr. Joe cements the fact that he’s too good for this franchise by surprising her with tasty apps and talking about his South Korean heritage.
But enough of that! It’s time for the slaughter-fest. Living to see another day with their immunity roses are Black Turtleneck Brendan, Accused Rapist Eazy, and Strawberry Blindfold Ivan. Joining them are:
Huggy Zac C
I’d-Rather-Bang-You-Than-Clare Riley
Kenny the Boy Band Manager
Deep Breathing Ben
Demar the Skydiver
Belgian Loafers Bennett
Fried Bologna Spencer
Popcorn Jordan C
Hitler ‘Stache Noah
Dr. Joe
Blake fucking Moynes
Chicken Legs Ed
And, after lots of fake tension, the final rose of fucking course goes to:
Wolverine Chasen
Which means we bid adieu to:
Montel the Quiet New Guy
The Peter That’s Blessedly Not Webber
Straightjacket Jay
Rest in peace, poor schmucks.
Bachelorette Wrestlemania
Somehow it’s only like an hour in, so we have to suffer through yet another Group Date. Off for a spot of wrastlin’ are:
Accused Rapist Eazy
Black Turtleneck Brendan
Dr. Joe
Popcorn Jordan C
Fried Bologna Spencer
Ben the Little Bitch
Chicken Legs Ed
Wolverine Chasen
That’s right, it’s time to get physical, yet again! But first, what strong, sexy, unhinged woman is very clearly acting out a fake wrestling match with another woman?? Why, it’s Tayshia! What a twist!
The guys are hard as rocks in both heads. Zaddy, sensing the testosterone-infused bloodbath that’s about to go down, teases that they’re going to have a live audience, which…just turns out to be the rest of the bros on the live date.
And by the way, yes, the date is legit called Bachelorette Wrestlemania. There’s even a big sign.
Oh also, Wells is there to host. I thought Wells was better than this, but welcome to 2020.
The Producers, still learning and growing from their whole forced strip dodgeball debacle, kick this date off by having them strip down to teeny little spandex squares and forcing Tayshia to literally oil them down with a paintbrush. Ladies and gentlemen, The Bachelorette!
It’s time to rumble! Squaring off for a display of toxic masculinity are:
Joe vs. Eazy: Our accused rapist triumphs over our smart, sincere, kind doctor. “That’s what we call a mercy kill!” Wells trills, as Eazy nearly breaks Joe’s neck.
Brendan vs. Jordan: Jordan wins, much to Tayshia’s lament. I bet Brendan would’ve won if he’d been allowed to wear his turtleneck.
Spencer vs. Ben: I love it—a true match of delicious villains. It’s a draw, which delights me even more.
WOLVERINE vs. CHICKEN LEGS: Well, until Ed (who just did a tug-of-war date and effortlessly did pushups with Tayshia on his back) bails at literally the last second due…to an old injury? He claims wildly he doesn’t want to hurt the injury and end up in the hospital. What a pussy.
Tayshia is so horrified by the brutal violence shown before her. Who could’ve possibly guessed that forcing a bunch of fucked up men to fight for the affection of a woman after weeks of isolation would turn them into this??
But wait! Chasen didn’t get his chance! Who ever shall he wrastle?
WHY, OL’ HITLER ‘STACHE HIMSELF!
That’s right, kids, Noah offers to scale the cage, strip on down, and beat the crap out of Chasen. Hooray! Chasen is pissed and the bros are AFFRONTED that someone not on the date would participate when openly given the chance. Welcome to this fucking franchise, boys!
Tayshia is breathless as the two boners smash each other all over the mat. She’s just over the moon that Noah—a man who appeared on a dating show to date her—would take a chance for her! LADIES get those standards up, STAT!
At the end of the day, Chasen wins the battle—but Noah wins the war, as he’s promptly invited to join the cocktail party portion of the date. The other men promplty seethe. How DARE a man who just risked life and limb be invited over for some drinks?
Delightfully, Noah steals Tayshia away the nanosecond they get to…whatever conference room the cocktails are being served in. The other bros are I N C E N S E D.
Tayshia is adorably delighted and then promptly tells Noah to shave that fucking mustache off this fucking second. We’re treated to a delightful montage of Noah mourning the passing of his ‘stache. But then, he can’t do it! Oh, the humanity!
Everyone else is boring and terrible. Ed whines about wanting to show Tayshia that he’ll fight for her. Bennett and Ed and Chasen all collectively bicker. Everyone whines about Noah.
Finally Noah comes back, still ‘stache-d…but with a razor in his hand! That’s right, he wants his girl to be the one to shave it off. He boots another bro from his 1:1 time to do so. 10 seconds later, you can hear the chorus of angry bros protesting in the background.
Now it’s time to get down to it. You can see the deep, DEEP relief flow through Tayshia as she hacks that thing the fuck off his face
Noah, who’s all of 25 years old, immediately looks 15 without the facial hair. Tayshia exhales that enormous sigh of relief she’s been holding in the entire time. It’s true love.
The two come back hand-in-hand, which almost destroys every other man on the date.
Tayshia thanks them all for playing. Ben, who’s spent literally 100% of the cocktail party angrily lamenting the fact that he’s spent no time with Tayshia and gotten no validation from her—while also making no move whatsoever to go spend time with her—finally tries to pull her away.
Much to my utter delight, Tayshia shuts him down immediately and chastises him in front of the group, telling him she’s disappointed in him for not making an effort tonight. EAT HIM ALIVE, GIRL.
In the end, Noah gets the Group Date Rose, all of the men nearly start sobbing in sadness and anger, and then the credits roll.
Until next week!
