The Bachelorette S16A E03: You’ve Got Dale
If the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” then my weekly pattern of watching Bachelorverse shows and expecting a mature, stable, respectful experience to appear out of nowhere means I’m clearly out of my fucking mind.
This episode started with the dismissal of serious sexual harassment and the embracing of horrific gaslighting and verbal abuse, and ended with a gaggle of rightfully angry bros and a boob shot of a soaking wet woman crawling seductively out of a pool.
Am I shocked? No. Am I appalled? Been there, done that. Am I beaten down into a sad, watery pulp of a human being wondering where things went wrong? Always.
I know, I know, it’s a fucking dating show, I hear you. But this show doesn’t embrace its dumpster fire nature and just run with it—it tries to cram that festering, repulsive, oh-my-god-it’s-melting-my-flesh mess into a nice, neat package that swears it’s a real quest for love by genuine people that genuinely want to be there.
It swears up and down that its leads are ready and able to accept love. It promises its contestants are vetted and safe. It pleads with us to believe it treats its people with respect. But at the end of the day, that wreaking trash bonfire scorches everything in its path, whether they’re running naked on a dodgeball field, stealing someone away for a quick moment, or holed up on their own couch with a bottle of wine and a very large straw.
Let’s dive in.
Of Red Flags and Red Roses
Let me just be clear: I fucking hate Yosef. And that was before I heard the rumors he sent an unwanted video of himself jerking off to one of the two women he was (unbeknownst to either of the other) dating at the time.
The only thing I can agree with Yosef on is the fact that the strip dodgeball date was fucked the fuck up. Men can be the victims of sexual harassment and coercion, too.
Once again, MEN CAN BE THE VICTIMS OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND COERCION.
Trying to force men to strip naked and parade around for Clare’s benefit on national TV is fucking disgusting. It’s degrading and gross and wrong. These weren’t bros frolicking in the resort pool who thought it would be fun to skinny dip. These were clearly uncomfortable contestants being coerced to bear it all and then have to literally “take a walk of shame” if they lost the group date game. A few men expressed being upset and uncomfortable with the date, and we need to listen to them. And Yosef, to his credit, addressed it.
That, unfortunately, is the start and end of anything even remotely good or appealing about Yosef.
The episode starts with our self-jerking jerk declaring to the bros that he’s going to confront Clare about the date, about the way she’s been honing in on Dale vs. paying attention to others, and how she’s…entertaining multiple men. Wait, what?
Sure, he has a valid point about Clare only having eyes for Dale, but he completely negates himself with the other point. Why is he mad at her for not paying attention to the other contestants, but then mad that she’s…paying attention to the other contestants?
“Clare has some red flags,” he says menacingly, as he stalks over to our blinder-riddled leading lady. “I’m not going to back down from anyone, not even the Bachelorette. I look forward to telling Clare exactly how I feel, and washing my hands of this atrocity.”
Oh, Yosef. If only you were one for tact, respect, or sanity.
When he finds Clare, he tries to explain his concern and frustration over the group date. Clare instantly rebuffs him—which, quite frankly, is fucking gross. The men are there to date you, Clare, they’re not there to be forced to strip naked for your delight.
Yosef brings up his daughter, and says he wouldn’t want her to see people treated like that. Clare says she knows, that’s why he…wasn’t on the date. JFC, CLARE. Stop supporting this shit, girl. Is this the worst Bachelorette or all time, or the worst edit of all time?
Clare begins to talk about her dying mother, but Yosef promptly interrupts her to continue verbally abusing her. I go from wanting to punt Clare to wanting her to unhinge her jaw and devour Yosef whole.
FINISH HIM (ABC)
“I’d never want my children to have a mother like you,” Yosef snarls. “You’re not fit to be a mother to my child.”
Okay one, that’s not fair. And two, you’re not fit to be a father to your child. She deserves more than a misogynistic, masturabatory madman hurling insights between slinging dick picks into DMs.
Unsurprisingly, Clare sends him the fuck home. Especially after it’s revealed he is the one screaming about how she’s the oldest Bachelorette in history. Duh, bruh. Yosef seems like the kind of guy that goes for 18 year olds and tells all his friends how “mature” they are.
After this goes down, Dale of course swoops in to save the day. The rest of the bros watch awkwardly on the sidelines, as they’ve done since Night 1.
“I’m so falling in love with Dale," Clare breathlessly tells the cameras.
It’s cute because she’s not, you don’t fall in love in three days, but whatever helps this godforsaken part of this godforsaken season end.
Clare decides to cancel cocktail hour, and disappears to take a break before the Rose Ceremony. The bros are a bit crestfallen, but it’s pretty understandable.
The Rose Ceremony
Dale, of course, gets the first rose, while Riley, Jason,and Chasen have immunity with their date roses. Joining them in the safety net are:
Huggy Zac C
Demar the Skydiver
Brendan not Brandon
Popcorn Jordan C
Dr. Joe
First-Kiss Blake Moynes
Straightjacket Jay
Belgian Loafers Bennett
Eazy the Accused Rapist
Bubble Boy Ed
Kenny the Boy Band Manager
Farting Fuck Zach J
This means we say au revoir to:
Whoever the fuck Tyler S is
The Other Blake M
Garin?
At the end of the Rose Ceremony, the remaining bros gather to toast to Clare and Dale’s upcoming nuptials. Riley tells Clare he’d “love to get know her more,” much to her delight, which is interesting because she sent Brandon packing immediately for saying the same fucking thing
Today We Separate the Men From the Boys
The next day dawns bright and chipper, with a bunch of bros frolicking out by the pool and Kenny mispronouncing “obscenities” as “obscene-ities.”
Zaddy arrives to ominously tell the bros “This process—it will expose you,” re: Yosef. This is adorable, because it didn’t expose Eazy as a rapist, despite the Producers directly hearing the accusations themselves.
Off for this still-undetermined date are:
Red Flag Jason
Straightjacket Jay
Eazy the Accused Rapist
First-Kiss Blake Moynes
Bubble Boy Ed
Wily Riley
Already Won the Season Dale
But first! It’s time for former Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas to spend some quality time with Clare! I don’t think these two women have ever met before! They discuss Dale and Clare literally smells the crotch of a pair of his pants!
“We go back 3 whole hours!” (ABC)
Clare then cancels the date after the bros have been waiting for five hours.
Apparently there was more reasoning as to why the date was canceled, but why on earth would the Producers tell the audience or the bros? Let us all suffer!
To throw the bros a bone, Clare does declare that they’ll get basically some time to chill together. She and Dale then promptly disappear for 45 minutes to dry-hump in her hotel room. The bros are pissed.
When Dale comes back, he claims he got lost looking for the bathroom and just happened to end up with Clare. The bros berate him, and then he up and interrupts one of the nameless, faceless bros with Clare for more 1:1 time. The bros berate Dale again.
“I enjoyed all of our conversations os much tonight!” Clare tells the bros, after spending 2 hours with Dale and 15 seconds with everyone else. She doesn’t give a flying fuck about their feelings, as long as she gets to smash Dale on air.
Spa Sadness
It’s time for the 1:1 date! Off for a day at the hotel spa is Zach J, aka that dude who presented Clare with a farting ass ring on Night 1.
Our troubled twosome get pedis and facials. The facials appear to use leftover guac from the kitchen. There’s not even a bowl of Tostitos around for them to enjoy it with.
Zach babbles awkwardly, trying to establish a conversation. Clare zones in and out, clearly dreaming about Dale.
After their incredibly un-relaxing spa experience, they go out to enjoy a dip in the pool. Clare laments to the cameras how she wishes it was Dale with her instead of Zach J. Then she seems into him suddenly and goes in for a kiss. Zach J goes to meet her, then she seems to pull back, then she definitely pulls back. Zach J is confused and tries to grab her for a kiss. She freaks out and peaces out. The entire thing is incredibly awkward and a little troubling across the board. She thinks Zach J pulled back from the kiss when he didn’t. He thought she wanted the kiss but shouldn’t have grabbed him.
That’s a wrap, folks (ABC)
She has some trauma around past relationships, and it’s clearly coming to the surface. I can’t blame her, even if I think it’s confusing for Zach J too. The whole thing is a fucking mess.
Confused and concerned, Zach J eventually trots out for dinner. Clare does not join him. Zaddy appears to break the news and walk him out.
The Comedy Central Roast of Dale
The bros have officially reached their breaking point. After saying essentially a mid-season purge 2-3 episodes in, they’re all crawling out of their skin waiting to see when Clare is just going to up and elope with Dale.
Giving them their perfect outlet for this madness is a full group date—a comedy roast co-hosted by Clare and Margaret Cho! Sure. This of course turns into The Roast of Dale. There were jabs at multiple contestants, of course, but all of the bros went balls to the wall with their takedown of the future Mr. Clare Crawley.
Sure! (ABC)
Bennett is amazing. Dr. Joe is amazing. The entire thing is amazing.
Except for Clare, who’s just utterly despondent. How dare they roast her husband-to-be! He’s so fragile and meek and unable to stand up for himself! How will he ever survive??
Dale seems fine. He’s actually feeling emboldened, knowing he was their target because he’s already Clare’s winner.
The Cocktail Party is just a never-ending montage of Clare berating the bros for roasting Dale. It’s so wildly, hilariously, painfully awkward. None of the bros want to be there for a second longer, and Clare can’t even see how absurd she’s being. Dale, meanwhile, just smirks and lurks in the background.
“You’re making fun of Dale and my’s connection??” She wails at random bro #1. “That’s NOT OKAY!”
“Can you think of anyone else in the house besides Dale she has a connection with?” asks random bro #2, while random bros #3-15 stare blankly, unable to come up with a single answer.
The bros appear to gather for a walk-out. Jason declares he’s going to freak out, which means the bodies are about to start hitting the floor.
BUT THEN
What’s this? An abrupt end? A quick cut? Is that a pool? Who’s that in the pool? WHY IT’S TAYSHIA, OF COURSE! We welcome our new Bachelorette in a quick teaser that consists solely of Tayshia in the teeniest bikini I’ve ever seen, slo-mo-ing out of the pool, soaking wet, spitting water out of her mouth as the camera zooms in on her boobs.
Kill me (ABC)
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE BACHELORVERSE!
Until next week!
