The Bachelor S27E02: The Ghosts of Bachelorverse Past
We were ROBBED this episode. Robbed of Patrick Warburton, robbed of an entire Group Date, and robbed, sadly, of the last shreds of our dignity.
Don’t me wrong, this episode wasn’t a rolling tsunami of drama—but it was a sad attempt by the Producers to steer it as such. And, given that the next episode seems to take us from 0-60 straight to Drama Town, our time outside the madness is almost at an end.
But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here. This week we were haunted by the ghosts of Bachelorverse past; saw Zach seemingly continue to be a kind, thoughtful, and generous man; had some surprising new frontrunners emerge; and witnessed the saddest gaggle of self-proclaimed “bad bitches” this franchise has ever seen.
Let’s dive in.
Walk, Walk, Bad Bitch Energy, Baby
Oh look, we kick things off with a runway Group Date! Great. Off to strut their stuff for DJ Berzachy are:
First Impression Rose Brianna
Brooklyn Spews Profanities
SPF Katherine
Mercedes the Pig Farmer
Bailen
Deep Plunge Davia
Meatball Champion Cat
Genevie’s Blacking Out
Kylee Has a Megaphone
They stomp on down to an eerily empty warehouse, where they’re greeted by none other than Latto! Since the Producers have no original bone in their collective body, they ride the coattails of her “Big Energy” song of the year jam and it’s announced that this date is an ode to Bad Bitch Energy.
Just depressing (ABC)
Have…they seen these women? It’s like a sea of barely sentient Barbies. There is no Bad Bitch Energy here. But that doesn’t matter, because the Producers have a surprise—some huge bitches from other seasons to show our ladies the way! Yay!
Cue the spotlight, because here come Tahzjuan, Victoria Fuller, and Courtney Robinson! I assume they’re trying to smize, but with all the botox they remain expressionless.
No. (ABC)
If you’ve forgotten who these absolute nobodies are, here’s a quick refresher:
Tahz
Who TF Is She: Was eliminated Night One of Colton’s season; was eliminated the only week she was there during Bachelor in Paradise season 6 ; and was eliminated the second week she was there during Paradise season 7
Bad Bitch Claim to Fame: Sobbing about the heat during her one and only day in Paradise S6 (seriously, that’s it)
Victoria Fuller
Who TF Is She: Made it to the Final Four in Pilot Peter’s season; got engaged to Johnny DePhillipo during Paradise season 8
Bad Bitch Claim to Fame: Oh god, where who we start?
Broke up a bunch of her friends’ marriages because she banged their husbands. No, seriously.
Got cancelled by Cosmopolitan for being a white supremacist. No, seriously.
Cheated on Johnny with Katie Thurston’s Villain Greg Grippo, poster boy of Jersey City
Courtney Robinson
Who TF Is She: An OG villain and winner of Ben Flajnik's season who wrote the cringe-worthy “I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain”
Bad Bitch Claim to Fame: This bitch was on this show THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. GET OVER IT ALREADY.
I almost turned my TV off at this point, but the remote was too far away for me to reach.
Anyway, these bad bitches are brought in to bad bitch-up the new ladies. The date devolves into the saddest, most pathetic claims to bad bitch-ery I’ve ever seen. Bailey claims her biggest Bad Bitch Moment is leaving the state of Tennessee. Brooklyn’s involves taking a tequila shot. These women have less personality than an especially water-logged stalk of celery.
Speaking of an especially water-logged stalk of celery, I’m pretty sure Zach disassociated for the entirety of this date. Did he even smile once? Did he say anything at all? He just sort of stood there and blankly stared at the women as they panic-stomped around on the runway and screamed out increasingly pathetic nothings. DJ Berzachy, blink twice if you need help!
I was so relieved when it was over, even if we immediately moved into more making out. With all that personality on display, I can’t even imagine the sexual tension in that post-date cocktail party! Some random blond gets a kiss. Katherine declares she doesn’t want to be “just best friends” with Zach (the fuck?) and gets a kiss. Brianna wants to kiss Zach and he reciprocates those feelings. Titilating stuff, people.
BUT THEN!
In a twist absolutely everyone saw coming, who kicks down the door to the Group Date and declares they need to steal Zach away for a moment?
No, actually, not Victoria F. Only because Zach isn’t married.
Why, it was Tahz, of course! Looking to strike out for a fourth time, Tahz attempts to crash the season in what’s absolutely not even remotely a Producer play. BLINK TWICE, TAHZ, BLINK TWICE.
Zach stutters and asks for time think about it. The women panic. Tahz joins the group and immediately beings aggressively insulting every single one of them. It was fucking gross.
The Producers think we want to see this. We do not want to see this.
The Producers think that we don’t know they forced Tahz to do this. We do know this.
The Producers think this is good TV. This is not good TV.
In the end, Zach shows more brain power than the last 4 Bachelors combined and sends Tahz packing.
Au revoir, Tahz. Even after four appearances on this franchise, we hardly knew ye.
At the end of the night, BFF Katherine transcends into Sister Wife territory and secures the Group Date Rose, putting an end to this painful experience.
Let’s Let Our Love Soar
Wow, we’re really just giving up entirely now, aren’t we? Up for the 32482384854545745th helicopter 1:1 Date of the franchise is Christina!
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
Giving us all flashbacks to Madison crashing Sweetnums' vow renewal ceremony, Zach drags Christina along on an alarmingly early Meet the Parents (and Entire Extended Family) date. It’s…well, it’s actually not bad. Given that Christina has a famous aunt and has been in like 15 music videos and random other rich people things, she’s great at meeting new people and very calm on camera. It’s kind of cute! They look at baby pictures of Zach! She learns Zach was in the infamous 7th grade Public Disturbance band!
But behind that confident facade is a lot of stressing over the fact that she hasn’t told Zach yet that she’s a mom. This makes sense, given that they’ve talked like…twice and it’s been in between chatting with/making out with 29 other women. But after becoming an unofficial part of the family, it’s time.
At the dinner portion of the date, as they pretend to eat, Christina lets Zach know what’s up. You can see by his super quick, immediate reaction that he’s not ready. He is, after all, barely 26. But he handles it really well, he thinks a lot about it, he acknowledges that he wants a family (and I love this—he didn’t say he wanted to start a family with Christina, he said he likes the idea of building on a family with Christina, which honestly, A+ answer) and that he really likes Christina and he wants to see where this goes. She gets the Immunity Rose and a few rounds of making out to seal the deal.
She’s def going home soon, though. But the question here is whether it’s because Zach isn’t ready for kids/being a stepdad, or if it’s because Christina goes from getting The Bachelorette Edit this episode and last to getting The Villain Edit x1000 in the preview for next week.
Oh, this franchise. Always keeping us on our toes!
The Group Date That Wasn’t
Okay so this second Group Date involved Patrick Warbuton and puppets. Patrick Warbuton. And puppets.
PATRICK WARBURTON
AND
PUPPETS
And we didn’t get to see it! They cut the fucking date! This happens occasionally, but how?? HOW?? We FINALLY get a perfect date (even though I’m fucking terrified of puppets) and they just…take it away from us?
God I fucking hate this franchise so much.
Instead we’re just treated to the Cocktail Party portion of the date, and it’s just one giant makeout session. No, seriously, that’s it. Aly breathlessly exclaims at one point that she doesn’t want to forget how Zach’s lips tasted. Please excuse me while I vomit.
A few other women were here for the lip-smacking fest, including:
Voice-Loving Victoria J
Gabi the Maple Syrup Purist
Kaity Likes a Big Package
Ariel Had a Rough Trip
Kimberly the Pep Talker
Charity the Therapist
Nervous Toddler Jess
First Impression Racist Greer
Some nameless blond starts some minor drama that immediately fizzles out. Gabi aggressively nicknames Zach, screaming “Zachypoo!” at him while he visibly recoils. Jess trauma bonds and get the Group Date Rose. It’s all just really sad.
And that’s it. Once again: No, seriously, that’s it.
The Cocktail Party
Things pick up slightly at the Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, but honestly, I can’t tell what’s Producer manipulation to finally give this season a pulse vs. what’s just misconstrued and misunderstood racial undertones.
On the plus side, there’s a few vaguely entraining moments, such as when Zach excitedly chirps “I saw some real bad bitch emerge, and I’m feeling like a bad bitch right now!” or when Brooklyn lassoes some random objects because again, she’s a rodeo queen or whatever you call them.
On the so-so side, there’s a few confusing moments, such as when Gabi goes to Zachypoo to do some damage control, only for a confused Zach to declare that she makes him “giddy” and he gets “butterflies in his stomach” from her. This is only surprising because he acted entirely uninterested in her/borderline slightly weirded out by her before, so yay for editing, I guess?
On the oh no side, there’s the first drama of the season that swirls around Christina and Brianna. This is kicked off when Zach tells the other women how Christina met his family—but she hadn’t told them that yet, oops! Hackles rise as they women realize Christina is an Actual Threat and that they may be further behind in this thing than they originally thought.
Awk (ABC)
And thus begins Christina’s descent into possible villaindom. Sort of? So Brianna—who’s been panicking about getting the First Impression Rose on ATFR and not really being chosen by Zach now that he knows her (despite him just asking if he could kiss her, like, an hour ago)—kicks that panic into high gear.
She starts anxiously telling the cameras that this concerns her, because Christina bullied her on Night One and made her feel unsafe.
Now…I have feelings about this, but I don’t think I can really make a judgment given that I’m a white woman who’s never had to be on the receiving end of this.
For background, on Night One, Christina was chatting with Brianna. Brianna was gorgeous in a rose-detailed dress, Immunity Rose in hand. Christina said “Your dress is roses…you look beautiful…and I hate you,” then immediately laughed and said “Just kidding!” And continued chatting with her for a bit before wandering off.
Now, at pure face value, there’s nothing here. I’ve had this conversation—on both ends—many times. Almost everyone took this as a compliment.
However, Brianna is saying this as a Black woman, about a white woman. And honestly, I can see where she could be coming from. If you’re already in a hyper-reality situation where you’re in the public eye, tossed in with lots and lots of white women, and very anxious, I’m more than sure this could sting. And just think about micro-agressions and how often they happen and how painful they can be.
The reality here is that we don’t know. But we do know that Brianna confronted Christina, who seemed genuinely shocked and seemed to genuinely apologize. But we are seen Christina with a heavy villain edit again in the previews for next week, so I don’t know. Also, see: Producers, aggressive edits, manipulation, outright lies, etc. So. Yeah.
At any rate, Brianna then went to Zach about it, but Zach shut her down. DJ Berzachy does NOT want the drama. He’s trying to hold out as long as possible. And he does gently tell Brianna she really has walls up.
How do I feel after all of this? Uneasy at best. But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves—let’s first cull the herd!
The Rose Ceremony
Already safe are Katherine’s Escaped the Friend Zone, Maybe-Villain Christina, and Nervous Toddler Jess. Joining them are:
Rodeo Queen Brooklyn
Genevie’s Blacking Out
Seriously, Greer Publicly Defended Blackface
Lip-Loving Aly
Charity the Therapist
Kaity Likes a Big Package
Butterfly-Giving Gabi
Ariel Had a Rough Trip
Anastasia (whoever that is)
Kylee Has a Megaphone
Deep Plunge Davia
Bailen
And, of course, in a moment of faux-drama, the last rose goes to:
First Impression Rose Brianna
Meaning we bid adieu to two of my early favorites:
Meatball Champion Cat
Kimberly the Pep Talker
Boo! Bring them both back to Paradise!
Until next week!
