The Bachelor S27E03: Rejections, Objections & Self-Ejections
Get your Bachelor Bingo cards ready, kids, because this episode we’re checking off each and every cliche box! From more groan-worthy group dates to a deluge of pure drama, we’re officially getting the party started.
Let’s dive in.
Let’s Set the Date
We kick things off with a naked shower soap-down! Seriously, I can barely get through the blog intro without checking off our first box. To Zach’s credit he doesn’t look entirely horrified to be washing his mostly naked body down on national television, but that’s probably just the psychological warfare of this franchise taking its toll.
I do really wonder what it’s like for the leads to have to do this. Like, they’re crammed in a shower stall and soaping themselves down while 15 cameras zoom in on them from a foot away. Do they just film you for 30 minutes so you can get a bunch of mini scenes for the season, or do they make you clamber mostly naked into the shower and soap yourself off 20 times? Can you refuse to do this? Do they threaten your loved ones if so? Blink twice if you need help, Zach!
In case hostage situation shower scenes aren’t your jam, the Producers do give us two alternative hunks to set our sights on as we get the episode’s engines revving.
First up is Sean Lowe, yet again, for all of you ultra-religious, openly racist, wanna-be-treated-as-lesser ladies out there. He gives Zach more fake advice and they act like old chums who barely know or like each other. Fun! I really hate this trope of digging up the corpse of past Bachelorverse contestants and forcing our lead to pretend that they’re old friends who adore each other. Sean was the Bachelor before Zach was born, I’m pretty sure, so let’s stop this charade.
After Sean slithers out, Jesse Palmer shows up to announce that they’re switching things up and we’re having two 1:1 Dates tonight and one gigantic Group Date. Yay! I swear, they could literally replace Jesse with a mop and no one would notice.
Night At the Museum
The first date of the night is a 1:1 with Kaity that’s so wildly awesome I can’t believe they got away with it.
She’s told it’s a night date and to get all dolled up. When she comes down the stairs, looking gorgeous, someone yells “Staaaaaaap aaaahhhh” in support, and it’s a real moment.
Zach, looking passable in a tux, appears and whisks Kaity away in a limo where they pop champagne and get hyped for the date. I was REALLY hoping the Producers were going to make them run an obstacle course or whatever, but instead we got…
A TRIP TO THE NATURAL MUSEUM!!!!!! This is genuine excitement on my part. I would pay an enormous sum for the chance to wear a ballgown and fake-eat dinner in front of dinosaur bones. Seriously, it’s on my bucket list.
But it gets better. Zach asks her to spend the night at the museum with him and then they literally change into tiger-print silk pajamas and sleep in a tent beside one of the displays.
This is both the earliest and best Fantasy Suite that’s ever happened. I don’t understand how they can even keep going from here. How is Kaity not immediately the winner? Can we just get a proposal now and skip the rest of this season?
The women back at the Bachelor Mansion certainly seem to think that’s happening, as they realize Kaity’s bags are still there but she’s still gone. You can see the panic light up in their eyes as their brains process this information. A handful are even up and fretting about in the living room the next morning at 7am, an ungodly hour for this franchise and the amount of alcohol it comes with.
The editing makes it look like they’re all about to turn on Kaity and start slut-shaming, but they mostly just droop sadly when she comes back, acknowledging that between Kaity’s extravagant sleep over and Christina’s Meet the Parents date, they’re all a lot further behind a lot earlier than they’d ever thought.
The Bachelor Bowl MMMDCCXXIV
Yeah, that’s right, it’s time for another football group date. Nothing says fun like a riled up group of women trying to cause bodily harm to each other in pursuit of a man dating 20+ of them.
Up to humiliate and hurt themselves are:
Ariel Had a Rough Trip
Mercedes the Pig Farmer
Kylee Has a Megaphone
Anastasia (whoever that is)
Maybe-Villain Christina
Bailen
Genevie’s Blacking Out
Rodeo Queen Brooklyn
First Impression Rose Brianna
Nervous Toddler Jess
Katherine’s Escaped the Friend Zone
Deep Plunge Davia
Butterfly-Giving Gabi
Charity the Therapist
Seriously, Greer Publicly Defended Blackface
Jesse Palmer hosts with EPSN anchor Hannah Storm, who apparently was being punished for doing something heinous.
The only good part about this date (other than when it ended) was that one of the teams dubbed themselves the “Ball-Zachs”. Otherwise, everything was dumb and insulting.
Shawne Merriman, famous for aggressively taking out players without a single consequence, shows up to make sure these women give each other concussions in the name of love. Christina announces that she’ll rock this date because she started CrossFit at 11 years old (is that legal??). Gabi pees herself a little and announces she’s glad no one can tell, as the Producers immediately air it for everyone to see. Someone announces that they’re going to shit themselves. There’s a lot of panicked screaming. Anastasia thinks they’re playing European football instead of American and takes up a chunk of time by flailing about on the ground pretending to be hurt.
No one knows how to play football. No one even really seems to know how to run. It’s just a lot of furious flitting about.
Finally, somehow, the Ball-Zachs win, meaning the other team (the “Shall-Crushers” ugh) get sent back to the mansion in shame, even after just risking life and limb for this dude.
And here’s where the drama starts.
First up is Bailey, who seems to feel something is amiss with her and Zach’s connection, despite Zach having been very into her before. She brings it up, he winces, she realizes she’s right, and he kindly but quickly sends her home. This man ain’t pulling no punches, and I gotta say, I’m here for it.
Next up, on the other end of the chemistry spectrum, are Charity and Christina. Charity gets the Group Date Rose, prompting Christina to rudely, immediately, and drunkenly (seriously, girl has been HAMMERED this entire season) declare how dumb that is for Charity to get the rose over her.
Um, Christina, honey. You got a 1:1 date last week. Stop.
Brooklyn senses it’s her time to lasso in and immediately enters the fray, telling Christina off for talking incessantly about her date and now trying to rain on Charity’s parade. Christina, probably because she’s drunk, looks more confused than confrontational at this, but Charity runs off crying regardless.
“I’m not here to make friends” Christina finally snaps, cementing her turn to villaindom.
Wedding In the Sky Keeps On Turning
The last 1:1 of the episode is a flying date! Drink!
Aly is up for this death-defying nightmare, which includes skydiving in a wedding dress, because why the fuck not. The amount of money this show must shovel out in insurance for these dates must be staggering.
Despite the high-altitude leaping, the date is kinda lame. They of course land and immediately hop into a random hot tub.
Over dinner Aly opens up about being Type A (sure) and this cements Zach’s decision to give her an Immunity Rose (sure) and then they go dance to an awkward private concert put on by someone named Griffin Palmer (sure). He is, of course, later revealed to be Jesse Palmer’s cousin. This nepo baby nonsense truly knows no bounds.
The Cocktail Party
Surprise! We’re skipping the cocktail party in favor of a pool party, which totally can’t go wrong in any way.
Zach saunters out into teeny shorts and declares that he’s “soft-launching his chest hair.” The women freak out. Many of them make out with him. Jess is really cute, but it’s impossible for me to ignore the fact that she’s only 23. Ariel dead-pans her way into my heart, and emerges as probably the only actual New Yorker to be on this franchise. Christina is VERY drunk and gets some 1:1 time with Zach, the entirety of which is interspersed with footage of Brianna complaining about her and deciding she’s going to self-eject.
And she does!
BINGO!
Zach is way more nonchalant about this than I thought, which is interesting. What is not nonchalant about is when Brianna finally drops the bomb and tells him that Christina is a bully and is making people cry, and he really needs to send her packing.
Zach is stumped, confused, slightly aghast. His chest hair quivers, knowing what he must do next. Why, a super awkward investigation, of course! He questions several women on What They Know. Most say Christina sucks. Christina is drunk and promptly has a complete breakdown, sobbing on the steps like a much more intoxicated, much more annoying Rachel Recchia. A few women awkwardly step over and around her in the process.
The Rose Ceremony
That evening, a somber, finally dressed Zach arrives to cull the herd. Will be keep Christina for the drama? Will the Producers make him keep Christina for the drama?
Already safe with their Immunity Roses are Night at the Museum Kaity, Bachelor Bowl Champion Charity, and High-Altitude Hot Tubber Aly. Joining them are:
Nervous Toddler Jess
Gabi Peed Herself
Dead Pan Ariel
Genevie’s Blacking Out
Seriously, Greer Publicly Defended Blackface
Katherine Who Apparently Now Goes By Kat
Kylee Has a Megaphone
Deep Plunge Davia
Anastasia the Soccer Player
Drama Rangler Brooklyn
Mercedes Is Somehow Still Here
Meaning, in a legit shocking twist, that Christina is going home! Maybe Zach really ISN’T fucking around this season! Although in reality, it’s more likely that the Producers worked out a deal for this to go down by promising Christina a spot in Paradise. Only time will tell.
Until next week!
