The Bachelorette S16A E01: Insidious, Chapter 3
One upon a time there was a man named Mike Fleiss who, despite looking like the lovechild of Fire Marshall Bill and Shrek, somehow managed to convince ABC to let him create The Bachelor franchise. I’m not entirely sure when he had time to do this, given his busy schedule of physically attacking and assaulting his pregnant wife, and holding back his female stars, and having lawsuits lobbed at him for discrimination, but, you know, men.
It’s no wonder, given this wholesome foundation, that the franchise has since turned into a regular nightmare factory, refusing to properly vet candidates who’ve assaulted and battered women, and spit on their exes, and hate women, school shooting victims, trans people, and Blacks. And that’s not even getting into the contestants that showed their true colors after their seasons (see: Colton stalking Cassie).
Despite this season’s lackluster, almost boring premiere, two deeply unsettling realities emerged, both centered around male contestants’ immoral—if not outright illegal and deeply traumatizing—treatment of women.
But this recap won’t be solely yet another woman screaming into the void, wondering why we can’t live without…you know, all of this. We’ll get to lighten our grievous mental load with cutesy origami, a bubble boy, farting rings, Belgian leather loafers, and a dude that literally spent the entire night in a straightjacket.
Let’s dive in.
Pandemics and Puff Pieces
I’m not sure how you guys spent the early days of the pandemic, but I, like Clare, spent mine awash in a full face of airbrushed makeup and low-cut dress tops, staring wistfully out the window as I waited for my gaggle of suitors to come sweep me off my feet (when I wasn’t flitting about in my gigantic mansion, of course).
(StyleCaster via ABC)
We’re treated to a seemingly endless montage of Clare finding out she’s the next Bachelorette; Clare realizing the pandemic is going to postpone her season; Clare flitting about said gigantic mansion; Clare finding out her season is back on; and so on. It’s just as exciting as it sounds. Finally, however, our intrepid heroine is dashed off to La Quinta Resort & Club in Palm Springs (not to be confused with the ubiquitous La Quinta Inn & Suites on every seedy street corner)
“This is my chance!” exclaims the woman that struck out on four prior consecutive shows in this franchise, bursting out of her luxury suite and into the courtyard of the empty, vaguely apocalyptic resort.
Now, I don’t want to be too hard on Clare. Her father passed away of brain cancer when she was just 23, and her mother is in a nursing home due to Alzheimer’s and dementia. It’s an overall terrible situation that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and I can’t even imagine how Clare must feel as she navigates these painful waters. Despite her past with the franchise, and, you know, that whole Matt James thing, I do want to point out that she’s smart, determined, mature, and focused. Let’s just hope it stays that way.
Next up are some soft intros for a handful of bros, which includes all of our spotlight stars acting like fucking babies as they get COVID tests. I’ve had, like, 4. They’re fine. They make you sneeze a little. Grow a pair, dudes.
In rapid-fire succession we met Demar the Spin Instructor, Brendon the Commercial Roofer, Mike who takes a bath with a Clare dummy and honestly that should’ve disqualified him immediately, some dude who went to Harvard bragging about his EQI (much like an IQ, if you have to brag about it, I guarantee it’s not as high as you think it is), Yosef who laments being away from his daughter, Blake Moynes who likes to howl with his dog (same, honestly,) Ben who’s a former army ranger doing random yoga poses on every piece of furniture in his hotel room, Eazy in a three-piece salmon suit iteration, and someone who smashed their head off the ceiling during a triumphant bed-jumping session to celebrate their negative COVID test.
It’s…well, it’s something.
Systems Are a Go to Meet Clare
Yes, this is a line that’s actually spewed, and no, I’m not even going to bother commenting further on it—because it’s time to meet the man meat!
(ABC)
Eagerly awaiting her suitors is Clare, dressed like an early-aughts disco ball. Here to greet her, among others, are:
Ben, who actually seems pretty chill and respectful; they do some deep breathing together, which isn’t as absurd as it sounds
Riley, who also seems sweet
Zac C, who delightedly gets his first hug in 6 months, and is eyed by Clare much in the way a lion eyes a mouthwatering antelope
Jordan M looking fly in a pair of high-water pants, but doesn’t seem to know where his heart is (?)
Jason, who stumbles out of the limo with a pillow stuffed under his shirt (if this seems legitimately insane, it’s a throwback to Clare’s entrance on Juan Pablo’s season, where she…came out of the limo with a fake baby bump)
Ivan, a very sweet aeronautical engineer
Kenny, a goddamn Boy Band Manager wearing a shirt emblazoned with Clare’s two dogs
Brendan with a bowtie
Mike, who made an excellent call in judgement by leaving the Clare dummy behind and instead bringing a pair of bejeweled sandals for Clare’s tired feed
Jeremy who just wants to make Clare laugh
Blake Monar in a pair of sweet pants
Tyler C, who chugs up in an ‘80s wood-paneled station wagon and loudly yammers with one of the thickest Southern accents I’ve ever heard
Bennet, a man who “enjoys walking the High Line in NYC in his favorite Belgian loafers,” cruises up moments later in a Rolls Royce whilst wearing a flowing white dress scarf
Chasen, who lumbers up painfully in a heavy suit of armor
Blake Moynes sadly sans howling dog
Chris who…I immediately forgot
AJ who announces he gives terrible first impressions, and then promptly squeezes Clare’s hand too hard as he awkwardly tries to spin her
Joe, the COVID-19 front-line doctor from NYC, who has no business being in this nightmare
Garin in a lovely cabernet suit
Robby who looks pure evil but seems okay
Eazy, who bursts through a “Your Future Husband” sign in this salmon three-piece and gives lots of finger guns
Jay, who shows up in a straightjacket and can’t give a proper hug
Demar, who staggers over with an opened parachute strapped to his back
Ed, who rolls up in a gigantic bubble
Yosef bearing moon pies
Jordan C bearing popcorn
Zach J, who gets down on one knee and opens a box with…a farting butt ring inside it. HILARIOUS!
Brandon, who is absolutely Brody Jenner trying his hand at yet another reality show
Dale, who introduces himself like he hasn’t been DMing with Clare for weeks; Clare nearly has a heart attack when he leaves, announcing breathlessly that she just met her future husband, much to Zaddy’s suspicion
Alright, Alright, Alright
“I have no idea what’s going on,” breathlessly says nameless contestant #23, as the men pile into the...lobby? Or is this some kind of chic conference room?
“How do I get some of these snacks??” asks another, as an exasperated Yosef explains to yet another that his moon pies are moon pies, not cookies.
More dumb shit happens. Some dude touting Listerine packs drags Clare over to a strongman game. Joe delights Clare with some origami. Jason, who sounds like an even more intense Ray Romano, is stunned that Clare can’t tell he’s from Long Island. Blake Moynes gets the first kiss of the season (drink!) after Clare has the audacity to say he’s the only one that reached out to her during quarantine.
Then it’s drama time, baby! Tyler C, who looks like the lovechild of Jordan Kimball and Luke P, has mutual besties with Yosef and tells the bros he’s Not Here For the Right Reasons (drink!) and that he’s pretty sure Yosef has been sliding into DMs and hitting on women left and right until, well, probably this exact moment. Curiously, however, he goes right to Yosef to hash it out, rather than immediately causing a scene with Clare. Is this growth? Is this how low my expectations are?
(ABC)
Yosef reacts exactly like someone with something to hide going on The Bachelorette would. He gets all defensive and overreactive, calling Tyler “Mini McConaughey” which really didn’t hit the way he thought it would. Tyler tells him he’ll go to Clare if Yosef doesn’t address it first.
To his credit, Yosef does address it. But that’s all the credit I can give this jackass, because he refuses to tell Clare whether or not he was hitting on women left and right for the past few months.
Clare, having no time for any of this shit, brings the two men together and pumps Yosef for more information.
“Do you have a girl who thinks she’s your girlfriend?” she asks pointedly. Yosef declines to answer. Ladies and gentlemen, he’s sure to be our runner up!
Amidst the insanity, Dale gets the First Impression Rose, of fucking course, and gets the second kiss of the season.
The Rose Ceremony
After what feels like 15 hours of mostly banality, it’s finally time to cull the herd. Safe for however long Clare sticks around are:
First-Kiss Blake Moynes
Salmon Suit Eazy
Deep Breathing Ben
Riley the Workaholic
Farting Fuck Zach J
Whoever the fuck Tyler S is
Joe the Origami Doctor
Pregnant Jason
Demar the Skydiver
Knight in Shining Armor Chasen
Popcorn Jordan C
The Other Blake M
Kenny the Boy Band Manager
Brody Jenner
Garin who I think was also in a cabernet suit
Bubble Boy Ed
Belgian Loafers Bennett
Huggy Zac C
Straightjacket Jay
Brandon (not to be confused with Brendan)
Ivan the Aeronautical Engineer
And the final rose goes to…why, Yosef, of course! And here we ran smack into our first problem of the season. Of fucking COURSE Yosef is given the last rose over Tyler C. Sure, Clare could’ve been done with the drama and dismissed them both, but Tyler C respectfully brought up a legitimate concern that Yosef couldn’t fucking rebuke. You KNOW Clare didn’t want to keep him around—this is Producer bullshit at it’s finest. Keep the cheating misogynist around, it causes drama! Yay! Let’s ensure we have at least one guy around who is toxic and bad for Clare, and let’s make sure she keeps dragging his sad carcass around, yeah?
But wait, why stop there, when we can get so much darker right off the bat? That’s right, Eazy—our fun-loving, salmon suit-wearing, adorable finger-gunning guy—is…well, likely a rapist. In a series of now-deleted tweets—because the woman that wrote them is filing a lawsuit—it’s revealed that Eazy potentially raped a woman several years ago. And that, once she realized he was cast on the show, she and her friends reached out to the Producers multiple times with this information.
And never once received a reply. Eazy was still cast. Given the track record of stacking the deck with emotional, physical, and sexual assaulters, why on earth wouldn’t the Producers literally put Clare in danger? Why would they listen to reason or survivors, when they can just ignore it and watch what happens? This is Mike Fleiss University 101, kids. And it’s a fucking nightmare.
On that fucking depressing note, we watch Yosef and Eazy skip off for more fun, and instead say goodbye to:
AJ, who I’ve never seen before in my life
Immediately Forgettable Chris
Here For the Right Reasons Tyler C
Bejeweled Flip Flops Mike
Creepy with a Heart of Gold Robby
And Page, who spent approximately an hour sobbing to the cameras about his demise. RIP, random bro.
And RIP to our hearts and souls. And also maybe RIP to Clare? I give it two more episodes before it’s Time for Tayshia (TM).
Until next week!
