The Bachelorette S16A: Fifth Time’s the Charm

Holy SHIT what a decade it’s been since the last season of The Bachelorette, amirite? We’ve been through so much—a deadly global pandemic, half the planet on fire at any given time, the government admitting aliens are real, the death of every celebrity we’ve ever loved, whatever the fuck Mike Pence is, and a toilet paper shortage that nearly brought the entire country to its knees.

Given this unending nightmare, you’d think the Bachelorverse gods would bestow a season of joyous levity and love to take our pain away, if only momentarily. But you would be wrong.

If this mind-melding hellscape has taught us anything, it’s that reality is a disaster, and reality tv a new fresh level of hell previously unimaginable. Trying to perceive its true form would shatter our consciousness into tiny pieces in true Lovecraftian style, so it’s better to just pour a jug of wine, slump back on the sofa, and let the torture begin.

This season of The Bachelorette briefly stars Clare Crawley, a four-time Bachelorverse reject who struck out on Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor, back-to-back seasons of Bachelor in Paradise, AND Bachelor Winter Games. This is like if one of your girlfriends was rejected after a mediocre Tinder date, spent weeks endlessly calling and texting the guy, got a restraining order slapped on her for breaking into his apartment and replacing all of his framed pictures with photoshopped pics of the two of them, and is currently in jail for breaking the terms of said restraining order after being found curled up in his closet at 2am on a Wednesday.

What was supposed to be a triumphant moment for smart, sophisticated, take-no-shit women in their 30s (Clare is 39, which makes her approximately 30 years older than the oldest contestant on Peter’s season) has become a sad, confusing, muddled mess. She spent the early days of her reign lashing out at a black contestant on her season—Matt James, aka Tyler C’s Quarantine Crew staple (kill me for typing that out) aka our next Bachelor—for using the show as a way to gain fame, all because he had the audacity to…bring awareness to his charity on Instagram without mentioning The Bachelorette in any way, shape, or form.

She then bailed early with some young hot beefcake, not that ABC will admit it, and is then replaced by Tayshia Adams from Colton’s season, best known for abstaining from sex for 8 FUCKING YEARS for her ex-husband, and then inexplicably dating John Paul Jones on Bachelor in Paradise. Tayshia is a plus for diversity in the series, but a minus because she has no discernible personality other than Fucking Obnoxious.

Also involved in this season in one way or another are Hannah Ann from Peter’s season, and Becca Kufrin from her own season. I can’t imagine a more random group of women, but here the fuck we are.

I have no fucking clue which contestants may stay for Tayshia, or potentially for Hannah Ann, or potentially for Becca, or potentially for anyone fucking else that the producers frantically unearth, but let’s at least meet the poor fucks involved in potentially as many as the first 3 episodes.

But first, let’s take a quick look at this season’s stat before we meet our schmucks:

8 Black Contestants (making this THE most diverse season ever—by far)
1 Asian Contestant
6 Contestants from CA
3 Contestants from NYC
2 Canadians
11 Contestants in Their 20s (which is a fucking joke, considering Clare is 39)
16 Contestants in Their 30s (most ever!)
1 Contestant in Their 40s (first ever!)
4 Former NFL Players
2 Blake Ms
2 Tylers
1 Brandon and 1 Brendon
1 Ben and 1 Bennett

AJ

Age: 29
Hometown: Playa Del Rey, CA
Job I think He Has: Stand-up comic best known for his groundbreaking show at the UCLA Sigma Nu house
Job He Actually Has: Software Salesman

Official Bachelorette Bio: AJ is a self-proclaimed California boy through and through. When he's not studying to get his MBA or killing it in the software sales game, he loves to enjoy the sun and head to the ocean for some surfing and beach volleyball. AJ grew up in a Muslim household, and thanks to his strong bond with his mom -- whom AJ says he tells everything -- AJ has a sincere respect for women and says he wants to find a partner who will intellectually challenge him and keep life fun as they grow old together. AJ considers himself to be a modern Muslim and is very excited to share his cultural background with Clare. Even though he is one of the younger men in the group, AJ certainly does not steer toward younger women and is very excited to pursue a woman like Clare who he sees as mature and experienced. AJ says that going on this journey is completely out of his comfort zone, but he is so excited to potentially meet the woman of his dreams that he knows it will be worth it.

AJ learned how to make candles during quarantine.
Don't take AJ to the zoo because he is terrified of tigers.
AJ is a double-dutch master on the jump rope.
AJ doesn't show up to anything without doing his research first.

No one “killing it” in their field uses the term “killing it.” Ever. And why the fuck does his “sincere respect for women” only come about because he’s close with his mother? Does this mean inherently he wouldn’t respect women if he wasn’t close with one?

My Prediction: Dies the first night after a tragic double-dutch accident.

Ben

Age: 29
Hometown: Venice, CA
Job I think He Has: Attended AJ’s groundbreaking stand-up show at the UCLA Sigma Nu house and now has a dedicated podcast to it
Job He Actually Has: Army Ranger Veteran

Official Bachelorette Bio: Ben is a sweet Midwestern boy with California dreamboat good looks. After graduating from the United States Military Academy at West Point and becoming an Army Ranger, Ben suffered a life-changing back injury that shifted his priorities in life and ultimately led to his decision not to return to active duty. After returning to civilian life, Ben made the decision to focus on his passion for health and nutrition, which lead him to sunny Venice Beach, where he currently lives. He loves his new job as a personal trainer, but says that the only thing missing from his life is someone to share it with! Ben is so ready to get married and is truly looking for the right woman to settle down with and start a family. Ben wants a wife who can openly communicate and stay emotionally available. She also must be able to keep up with him on the dance floor, or at least be willing to cheer him on when he jumps in the middle of a dance battle to show off some of his winning moves.

When he's in a relationship, Ben loves to show affection through writing love letters.
Ben's favorite indulgence is an ice bath.
Ben once flew across the country to see a girl he had never met in person before.

Army Ranger? Loves ice baths? Once flew across the country to see a woman he’d never met? Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first confirmed sociopath of the season. HOOAH!

My Prediction: Leaves once Tayshia becomes the Bachelorette because his KKK membership frowns upon such things.

Benett

Age: 36
Hometown: New York City
Job I think He Has: Investment Banker that specializes in murders and executions
Job He Actually Has: Wealth Management Consultant

Official Bachelorette Bio: Bennett says he is the total package. Handsome? Check. Great job? Check. Mature and ready to find his wife? Check! So why is he single, you may be wondering? According to Bennett, he hasn't always been "this successful and good looking." Bennett grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, and attended Harvard where he says he finally grew into himself. Now, Bennett works as a financial planner in New York City where his life has become everything young Bennett ever wanted. He enjoys taking morning yoga classes, walking the High Line in his favorite Belgian loafers and indulging in delicious meals in the city's best restaurants. According to Bennett, his high school girlfriend is the only girl he's ever had to work for. Since then, it's always been women pursuing him, but now he's ready for a change and is excited to go on the chase for the woman of his dreams.

Humidity at any level is a deal breaker for Bennett.
Bennett is man enough to admit that he likes to indulge in a relaxing face mask at the end of the day.
Bennett hates golf.
In college, Bennett joined one of those fancy Finals Clubs everyone learned about from watching "The Social Network."

Did this guy just fucking say he enjoys “walking the High Line in his favorite Belgian loafers?” Oh my god, he’s loathsome. I love him. I love everything about him. He looks 56 not 36 and he’s insufferable and I love him so much. He’s going to be such a fucking disaster and I am here for it with every single fiber of my being.

My Prediction: Booted when he critiques Clare’s $50 relaxing face mask and tells her any women that actually cares about herself would only use the $330 Givenchy lace set [https://www.net-a-porter.com/en-us/shop/product/givenchy-beauty/le-soin-noir-lace-face-masks-x-4/664607].

Blake Monar

Age: 29
Hometown: Phoenix, AZ
Job I Think He Has: Organic goat and oat farmer
Job He Actually Has: Male Grooming Specialist (?)

Official Bachelorette Bio: Growing up, baseball was Blake Monar's life. Two years into living out his boyhood dream of playing in the major leagues, a debilitating neuromuscular injury pushed him into early retirement and forced him to figure out what he really wanted out of life. Blake's next move was a bold one -- he packed up his entire life and moved to Phoenix where he now owns and operates a cosmetic company. Blake's next big move? He's here to find his future wife! Blake's dream woman is incredibly secure in herself and has done the work to become the best version of them possible. His idea of a romantic night includes cooking dinner at home and watching movies in sweatpants.

Blake Monar doesn't have any pets of his own, but says he is everyone's first call when they need a dogsitter.
Blake Monar has never left the country.
Blake Monar loves to take his mom shopping.
Blake Monar loves pancakes.

Who is this empty caricature of a man and why am I stuck reading about him? If I had a dime for every man that “wants an incredibly secure woman that’s done the work to become the best version of themself possible” that’s actually a raging misogynist and asshole who wants nothing of the sort, I would be so fucking rich I’d be entering Kardashian territory.

My Prediction: Gone on night one after telling Clare it’s obvious she’s not doing the right work to become the best version of herself.

Blake Moynes

Age: 31
Hometown: Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Job I Think He Has: Mascot for the Toronto Maple Leafs
Job He Actually Has: Wildlife Manager

Official Bachelorette Bio: Blake Moynes is no stranger to putting in the hard work to get what he wants in life. At university, he studied every kind of wildlife management program he could get his hands on and now spends his days happily working outdoors. Professionally, Blake Moynes says he has it all, but personally, he is at a crossroads. In the past, Blake spent his Saturday nights hanging with his best friends, but now all of those friends are married and he's the last single man remaining. Not one to like being left out, Blake Moynes now feels the pressure to settle down and wife up! His dream woman is outdoorsy, beautiful and fun. She has to have a goofy side and be okay with his self-described "potty mouth." He says he has no problems talking about his emotions and wants a partner who will appreciate that he wears his heart on his sleeve. Blake Moynes is confident that Clare Crawley is the woman for him, and when this is all over, he can't wait to take her home with him to meet all of his friends.

Blake Moynes loves the Ninja Turtles as much as the Ninja Turtles love pizza.
Blake Moynes loves picnics.
Blake Moynes volunteers with a different endangered species every year.

Blake Moynes is so wholesome, eh? He sounds so adorable and kind.

My Prediction: Doesn’t even get a fucking chance. Is booted Night 1 because Clare is a self-sabotaging lunatic.

Brandon

Age: 28
Hometown: Cleveland, OH
Job I Think He Has: Brody Jenner
Job He Actually Has: Real Estate Agent

Official Bachelorette Bio: Brandon is an Italian stallion in the prime of his life. He's enjoyed living out the last few years as a real estate agent and model in New York City, but now says he's ready to head back to the Cleveland 'burbs, where he grew up, to start a family. A nice Midwestern boy with the abs of an A-list movie star, Brandon says he has never had trouble getting a date and loves to date older women, the most recent one being 38 years old. Brandon's dream girl will never say no to going on a spontaneous adventure and will be the ultimate teammate in raising their family. And no "Debbie Downers" for Brandon! He says that when he's dating someone, he needs to see them happy and enjoying every moment of life because life is too short not to. Brandon has already said that he thinks Clare is beautiful, so the only question now is what will Clare think of him?

Brandon loves being his own boss.
Brandon has a phobia of dancing.
Brandon is the first to admit that he wore way too much Ed Hardy back in the day.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

My Prediction: Left dramatically on the 3-on-1 date after having a meltdown over forgetting his bronzer and face cream back in his room.

Brendon

Age: 30
Hometown: Milford, MA
Job I Think He Has: Perfume salesman at Barney’s
Job He Actually Has: Commercial Roofer

Official Bachelorette Bio: Brendan is a sensitive soul who is ready to share his life with a special woman. After losing his dad at a young age, he knew that his purpose in life was to be a father. After relocating to Los Angeles, Brendan decided to move back home to Massachusetts to work for the family roofing business and be closer to his family -- especially his nieces and nephews, whom he can't get enough of. In his free time, Brendan loves some good true crime, working out and hanging out with his friends. Brendan is all about that initial attraction when meeting a woman. He loves to make a woman feel desired and describes himself as a true romantic.

Brendan can juggle.
Brendan's real passion is coaching his high school's basketball team.
Brendan's buddies from home call him "BMoney."
Brandon's signature look is a turtleneck. (Interns, sweeties, this is Brendon, not Brandon)

I have a feeling that ol’ turtleneck BMoney is probably a pretty nice guy, but there’s also the chance that he’s a legit monster. It’s always the ones you don’t see coming. Well, those and the self-proclaimed Italian Stallions.

My Prediction: Kicked to the curb episode 2 after Clare panics about him genuinely wanting to settle down and start a family.

Chasen

Age: 31
Hometown: Phoenix, AZ
Job I Think He Has: Firefighter turned pin-up model after being discovered in a Hot Firefighters Cuddling Cute Puppies calendar.
Job He Actually Has: IT Account Executive

Official Bachelorette Bio: Chasen grew up in the world of competitive swimming and is ready to win the race for Clare's heart! The ultimate romantic, Chasen says he has never been close to getting married but hopes to one day have a long and happy marriage similar to that of his parents who have been together for 35 years. After ending a two-year toxic relationship with his co-worker, Chasen says he is finally in the right headspace to find his future bride. Chasen's dream girl is the perfect combination of beauty and brains. He loves women who take pride in staying fit and can carry on a meaningful conversation without any awkward silences. Chasen considers himself to be very romantic and loves making his significant other feel special. He says there is no better feeling than seeing your partner smile and knowing the reason is because of you. He is a self-proclaimed adventure seeker and loves to say yes to things other people might consider insane. His latest insane adventure? You're looking at it!

Chasen's nickname is "Wolverine" because, according to his friends, he recovers and heals quickly.
Chasen can't wait to get a goldendoodle puppy one day.
Chasen once swam from San Francisco to Alcatraz wearing only a pink speedo.

What does “take pride in carrying on a meaningful conversation without any awkward silences” even mean? Like, does his partner have to be talking literally all of the time? What does he consider an awkward silence? Is he comfortable with comfortable silences? Does he even know the difference?

My Prediction: Sent home in shame episode 4 after his “toxic” co-worker ex shows up with receipts proving he’s the real scumbag.

Chris

Age: 27
Hometown: Salt Lake City, UT
Job I Think He Has: Soprano in the Mormon Tabernacle
Job He Actually Has: Landscape Design Salesman

Official Bachelorette Bio: Chris works in landscaping and is hoping his relationship with Clare will bloom like the perfect rose. After his last serious relationship ended in heartbreak, Chris was unsure if he was meant for true love. It took some time to pick up the pieces, but now Chris says he has his groove back. Chris hopes to find a woman who is sharp and witty but also easygoing. She also must love to travel because Chris' goal in life is to travel to 200 countries, and he currently has 180 to go before meeting his target. When asked to describe himself as a lover, Chris says, "I like to think I'm good at what I do." This is good to hear because, one day, Chris hopes to have three or four kids so he has a good reason to rock a minivan. Will Clare be ready to join him in the mini as he reaches for his goals? Only time will tell.

Chris is the oldest of four kids, all of who have genius level IQs. (It’s “genius-level” with a hyphen, Interns)
As a kid, Chris ran and operated a coffee shop on his parents' front lawn so he could buy himself an electric scooter.
Chris loves camping, but wont go for longer than three days at a time. (It’s “won’t” with an apostrophe, Interns)

Every single fucking 27 year old ALWAYS sobbingly insists they’re not meant for true love after their latest breakup with their latest ex of four whopping months. Put that fucking genius IQ to work and get your shit together, Chris.

My Prediction: Goes home the first night after incessantly talking about his high IQ while refusing to actually go talk to Clare

Dale

Age: 31
Hometown: Brandon, SD
Job I Think He Has: Abercombie & Fitch model
Job He Actually Has: Former Pro Football Wide Receiver

Official Bachelorette Bio: Dale is a small-town boy with big dreams of making an impact on the world. His mother passed away at a young age; but before her death, Dale says she taught him to always follow his passions and that nothing is impossible if you work hard. After playing D1 football and basketball at South Dakota State, Dale spent four years playing in the NFL before stepping away to move to New York and pursue a career in consulting for sports wellness and lifestyle brands. When asked what his greatest achievement is to date, Dale says, "I'm living it!" Now, all he's just missing is a woman to share his success with. Dale is looking for a woman who wants him but doesn't need him and says that nothing turns him on more than an independent woman with strong convictions. When Dale is feeling passionate, he doesn't like to hold back and is looking for a woman who won't be turned off by his intensity. Dale says one thing he has not mastered yet is patience. Will he be able to wait his turn to make a move on Clare or will he come in hot for all the right reasons?

Dale loves Oprah.
Dale is super competitive and his favorite game is Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Dale is an ambassador for The Special Olympics.
Dale's favorite indulgence is a good martini and a perfectly cooked steak.

Goddamnit, Dale, I love you.

My Prediction: Leaves the show to marry me, after I dramatically appear on a male modeling-themed group date to profess my love

Demar

Age: 26
Hometown: Scottsdale, AZ
Job I Think He Has: Jaleel White Impersonator
Job He Actually Has: Spin Cycling Instructor

Official Bachelorette Bio: At 26 years old, Demar is ready to find his wife and is diligently on the hunt. He likes meeting new people, exploring local restaurants and sipping on fresh cocktails at the local bars. The one non-negotiable in Demar's life is his passion for spin. He is a very popular spin instructor in Scottsdale and says he can get on that bike and spin to any beat thrown his way. Demar works hard and wants a woman who will appreciate his appetite for success. Born an only child to two loving parents, Demar is very close to both of his parents and hopes to find a woman who will join him and his mom on their Starbucks coffee dates and then get in on the action when he shoots hoops with his dad. His infectious energy will captivate any room he is in, and he's hoping that works to his advantage when he arrives. Will Clare gravitate to him off the bat or will she send him home spinning?

Demar's dream job is to be a DJ on the Las Vegas Strip.
Demar writes poetry in his spare time, but wouldn't consider himself a poet by any means.
Denver is one of Demar's favorite cities in the United States, and when he goes skiing or snowboarding for the first time, he wants it to be there.
Demar's wine of choice is cabernet sauvignon.

26, loves sippin’ on fresh cocktails at the bar, and his dream job is being a DJ on the Vegas Strip? Oh, honey, you’re so tragically, tragically young.

My Prediction: Makes it way too far because Clare somehow thinks an immature 26-year-old with fever dreams of spinning Top 40s on the Strip is somehow perfect husband and father material.

Eazy

Age: 29
Hometown: Newport Beach, CA
Job I Think He Has: Club Promoter
Job He Actually Has: Sports Marketing Agent

Official Bachelorette Bio: It's easy to see what makes Eazy such a great catch. With a smile that lights up the room, a great career and a fun personality to match, Eazy is the total package. After playing in the NFL for four years, Eazy decided to shift gears and move into the marketing side of sports where he now has a very successful career as an agent. While his place of work has shifted from the field to the office, Eazy still dreams of world domination and shows no signs of slowing down. The only difference now is that Eazy says he is much more focused on his personal life -- he's ready to find his queen! Eazy is a hopeless romantic who loves being in a relationship and says he is looking for a woman to be the other half of a power couple. She has to have passion to be great in her career, but also know how to turn off work mode and enjoy the fun side of life. Above all, Eazy wants to make his family proud, and what better way to do that than by capturing the heart of America's most eligible bachelorette?

Nobody hypes Eazy up better than himself.
Eazy hates insects, especially ones that fly.
Eazy's dream is to own the New York Yankees.
Eazy has seen every episode of "Grey's Anatomy."

You know, I was kind of feeling it until that Grey’s Anatomy bit. Now I know he’s a sociopath.

My Prediction: Makes it as far as Clare does, due to their shared love of McSteamy over McDreamy.

Ed

Age: 36
Hometown: Miami, FL
Job I Think He Has: Plastic surgeon to the stars
Job He Actually Has: Health Care Salesman (Healthcare is one word, Interns)

Official Bachelorette Bio: After dating around and being single for the last year, Ed says he's finally in a place mentally and professionally to make finding his soulmate a priority. Ed is looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake. He has a weakness for women who can joke around and be playful, and would love to find someone to enjoy one of his many aquatic hobbies with, like kayaking or paddle boarding. Ed hopes that this experience will produce the meaningful and loving relationship that he hasn't quite yet experienced. He is serious about getting married and is hoping to return home with Clare by his side, never to be single again.

Ed's biggest turn on is a woman with beautiful eyes.
Ed loves all-inclusive resorts.
Ed is bad at multitasking and planning ahead.

It’s HI-LARIOUS that a man from Miami is overly concerned with natural beauty. Honey, if you want natural beauty, move out of the state.

My Prediction: Booted night 1 after droning on incessantly about himself and making numerous unfunny jokes bordering on straight misogyny.

Garin

Age: 34
Hometown: North Hollywood, CA
Job I Think He Has: Thisclose to becoming a member of the Groundlings
Job He Actually Has: Professor of Journalism

Official Bachelorette Bio: Garin is a good ol' Florida boy who describes himself as an extrovert by nature. He loves his job teaching journalism at the University of Southern California and takes great pride in shaping the minds of future television reporters. Garin's most recent relationship taught him a lot about love and life. Always the optimist though, Garin now realizes that he needed to go through that heartbreak in order to learn what type of love he wants for his future, and now he says he is ready to go after it. Garin wants a queen by his side to start a family with and pursue their dreams together. He wants a woman who has her own goals to focus on but can still be a companion and support Garin in his. He loves to make sure the people around him are having a good time and is happy to be the source of energy for the night. Sounds like a great guy to keep around!

Garin studied abroad in Ghana and said it was the best trip of his life.
Garin will be the first to admit he has trouble with punctuality.
Garin spends his free time planning and hosting a local concert series and loves to get the party started!

Still trying to wrap my head around the idea that anyone in this day and age would actually want to be a professor of journalism.

My Prediction: Sounds genuine and like he’s here for the right reasons. He’ll be booted night one.

Ivan

Age: 28
Hometown: Dallas, TX
Job I Think He Has: Waterboy for the Cowboys
Job He Actually Has: Aeronautical Engineer

Official Bachelorette Bio: Ivan is no average Joe. In fact, some may say he's got it all -- movie star looks, a loving and supportive family and a seriously cool job building jets for the U.S. military. Ladies, how is this man still single? Ivan was born in Chicago, but grew up in Plano, Texas. He is very close with his mom and says he talks to her every day. After making it a point to have fun and enjoy the single life in his mid-twenties, Ivan says his single bachelor days are behind him and it's time to settle down. In Clare, Ivan is hoping to find someone who is not only beautiful and nurturing, but also smart and ambitious. Intelligence is a huge aphrodisiac to Ivan, and nothing turns him on more than getting into a spirited debate with the woman he loves. We hope Clare is ready because Ivan is coming in hot!

Ivan's favorite foods always come from his mom's Filipino cooking.
Ivan is a recovered Croc enthusiast.
Ivan loves high-end cars and wants to run his own exotic car rental company one day.

Anyone that uses the phrase “a huge aphrodisiac to me” has never given a woman an orgasm. Ever.

My Prediction: Limps around until Clare peaces out, then gets recycled for Tayshia, who’ll boot him her night 1.

Jason

Age: 31
Hometown: Arlington, VA
Job I Think He Has: Hosts is own Instagram cooking show
Job He Actually Has: Former Pro Football Lineman

Official Bachelorette Bio: Jason prides himself on being able to have fun everywhere he goes. He is a former NFL offensive lineman who, after suffering too many concussions on the field, decided to prioritize his health and change the direction of his life. Since leaving the NFL in 2016, he has lost 120 pounds and started a career in IT staffing and solutions. While Jason admits he had his fun during his NFL days, he is now ready to get serious. On the weekends, Jason loves to spend his days visiting historical monuments around Arlington or kayaking on the Potomac River. Jason wants a woman who can keep up with his big personality. She has to have a great sense of humor and an amazing laugh. Jason hopes to meet a woman who can handle his sarcasm and put him in his place when he needs to be checked. Sounds like Clare may just be the girl for him.

Jason loves animals, and if he could, he would open his home to every dog on the planet that needs one.
Jason is the first guy on the dance floor when it's time for the Electric Slide.
Jason likes to drink coffee in bed.

He lost 120 POUNDS after leaving the NFL? Although I should be more concerned about the fact that he left the league after one too many concussions—and so should Clare.

My Prediction: Gone right before Clare’s also gone, mostly because he can’t remember her name, or why he’s there, or even where he is. The NFL, of course, will do nothing.

Jay

Age: 29
Hometown: Fort Lauderdale, FL
Job I Think He Has: Front desk receptionist at SoulCycle
Job He Actually Has: Fitness Director

Official Bachelorette Bio: Jay is the perfect combination of sweet and tough. He owns and operates his own personal training center, and while Jay loves what he does professionally, he says it's time to take a break from worrying about others and focus on himself instead. Jay wants a woman he can be 100% himself with and says his perfect date is one filled with random adventures followed by good wine and meaningful conversation. Jay says when he falls in love, he loves unconditionally and that he works every day to make sure she feels it. One thing to note, if you are someone that can't put down your phone for more than five minutes, you may not be the person for Jay. Nothing annoys him more than being on a date with a woman who is half in the conversation and half scrolling through Instagram. Luckily, it's a no-phone zone here at "The Bachelorette," so we can't wait to see if Jay and Clare hit it off!

Jay says every song Drake puts out is a banger.
Jay doesn't like to go to hot spots or clubs because he hates paying a cover charge.
Jay loves Duke basketball.
Jay says growing up, he spent way too much of his allowance on clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch.

Something tells me that every single woman Jay’s ever been on a date with has spent the entirety of it perusing Instagram because he’s so goddamn fucking annoying it’s their only moment of solace.

My Prediction: I don’t even fucking care

Jeremy

Age: 40

Hometown: Washington, DC

Job I Think He Has: Legislative Director for Mitch McConnell, who he says “really isn’t as bad as everyone makes him out to be.”

Job He Actually Has: Banker

Official Bachelorette Bio: At 40 years old, Jeremy is the oldest contestant ever to come on "The Bachelorette," and says he is feeling the pressure to finally settle down. Not that he hasn't been trying, but he says that DC is just full of type-A women that he doesn't get along with. Jeremy has been in two serious relationships -- both times he thought he would marry the girl, and both times they broke his heart. Never one to stay down for long, Jeremy believes that this third time will be the charm! He describes his perfect woman as cute, easy-going and funny. He loves bold women who aren't afraid to challenge him when the opportunity presents itself. Jeremy is all about giving back and when he isn't working at his fancy bank job, he loves volunteering and spends as much time as he can mentoring children with disabilities. Jeremy says he has a lot in common with Clare and thinks that the two of them could really go the distance. His favorite thing about Clare though, is that she talks to raccoons and he can't wait to get in on the conversation.

During quarantine, Jeremy developed a love for painting and taught himself how to rollerblade.
Jeremy hates Instagram models, both male and female.
Jeremy says his love language is witty banter.
Jeremy's favorite holiday is Halloween because he loves to geek out on haunted attractions.

Oh, honey. “DC is just full of type-A women that he doesn’t get along with?” That’s because he’s a chauvinistic asshat that thinks a woman belongs in the kitchen, with her mouth firmly closed.

My Prediction: Ends up with Becca, who then has to messily dump yet another misogynistic white supremacist via social media.

Joe

Age: 36
Hometown: New York City
Job I Think He Has: Art Gallery Event Attendee
Job He Actually Has: Anesthesiologist

Official Bachelorette Bio: Paging Dr. Joe! We have a Bachelorette waiting to meet you, and you're needed in Palm Springs STAT! After spending most of 2020 fighting coronavirus on the front lines in New York City, Joe, an accomplished anesthesiologist and COVID-19 survivor, is done wasting time. After seeing more tragedy this year than throughout his entire career, Joe is 100% ready to settle down and find someone to build a family with. Joe's ideal woman is physically fit and passionate about maintaining a healthy lifestyle. A nice smile and a pretty face will go a long way, but more importantly, he wants to find a partner who is kind, laid-back, self-aware and intelligent. Due to his busy work schedule, Joe primarily meets women on dating apps, but says he hasn't had much luck because women on apps are always wondering if there is someone better out there. Admittedly, the world of online dating has not done much to boost Joe's confidence, which is crazy considering he once was voted Top 20 Most Eligible Doctors and Medical Professionals in New York City. Well Joe, you get our vote for most eligible doctor on "The Bachelorette," and we think Clare will definitely agree.

Joe's biggest turn off is someone who litters.
Joe loves to spend his weekends searching for the best waves to surf and training for his next triathlon.
Joe's favorite childhood game is Scrabble.
Joe says the best trip he ever took was a 10-week solo trip to Central America.

Well clearly COVID-19 destroyed him, because this guy as absolutely no business being here whatsoever. Gorgeous? Talented? A frontline hero? Joe, honey, get the fuck off this show and go get a stable woman that actually deserves you. Jesus.

My Prediction: Gone immediately, because Clare doesn’t want someone smart, stable, strong, and mature. Girl wants a train wreck of epic propotions (aka someone just like her)

Jordan C

Age: 26
Hometown: New York City
Job I Think He Has: Founder and CEO of a startup tech company that’s developing Tinder for dogs
Job He Actually Has: Software Account Executive

Official Bachelorette Bio: Anyone who says glasses aren't sexy clearly hasn't met Jordan C. When Jordan C. was 8 years old, his father suddenly passed away and Jordan became the man of the house, a responsibility he took very seriously at the time and still does to this day. Jordan C. has built a great life for himself working in the software business, and now, all he needs is someone to enjoy it with. His perfect woman will have a smile that is contagious, will accompany him to the gym and will spend hours with him on the couch watching Jim Carey movies. Just like Jordan C. stepped into the role of man of the house, he is ready to step into the role of husband. The only thing that may get in his way is his older sister, who he says has never liked any girlfriend he brought home. He says that she is just protective of him, but we can't wait to see what she thinks of Clare.

Jordan C. dreams of having a dog named Maverick.
Even if you offered him a million dollars, Jordan C. would not go swimming with sharks. Never. Gonna. Happen.
Jordan C. would love to learn how to salsa dance.

TWENTY-FUCKING-SIX. No 26-year-old man has ANY place dating a 39-year-old woman. EVER. In maturity terms, this is the equivalent of a 39yo woman dating a 12yo boy. GET OUT OF HERE, PRODUCERS.

My Prediction: Runner up for whoever ends the fucking season as the Bachelorette

Jordan M

Age: 30
Hometown: Santa Monica, CA
Job I Think He Has: Yet another former NFL player
Job He Actually Has: Cyber Security Engineer (cybersecurity is one fucking word, Interns)

Official Bachelorette Bio: Standing at a towering six feet and eight inches, Jordan M.'s good looks are hard to miss! A few years ago, Jordan M. moved to Santa Monica for a change of scenery and to pursue a career in cyber security. While Jordan loves to have fun, he says that he doesn't have the same priorities as people his age -- they all seem to be looking for the next best thing and Jordan M. is truly ready for a relationship. Jordan M. spends most of his free time hiking, going to the beach and staying active. He also loves writing poetry and competing in hacking competitions. Jordan M. knows what he wants and says he's single because he hasn't met a woman with enough depth. He says he is very attracted to Clare and is excited to date someone who is mature and knows exactly what they want. His only knock -- Jordan M. admits that he can be a little shy at first, but once his guard is down, it's game on!

Jordan M. idolizes Barack Obama.
Jordan M.'s favorite Sunday activity is cleaning.
Jordan M.'s dream is to own a classic car restoration shop.

Too pure for this franchise, that’s for sure. It’ll be painful watching his soul get sucked forcibly from his body week after week.

My Prediction: Top 3, purely for his height

Kenny

Age: 39
Hometown: Chicago,
Job I Think He Has: Chippendales Dancer
Job He Actually Has: Boy Band Manager (LOL)

Official Bachelorette Bio: This handsome man about town is ready to say "Bye Bye Bye" to the single life. Kenny is a talent buyer in Chicago, where he creates and manages boy band cover bands. He's the first one to admit that in the past, he's put his career before his relationships, but now as he inches closer to the big 4-0, Kenny is tired of having "No Strings Attached" and is ready for someone to join him on this journey he calls life. For Kenny, looks and personality are equal in priority and he's hoping for a girl with both. He wants a woman who is not controlling, fake or wrongly opinionated. And if he doesn't agree with her opinions, she should be ready for a spirited conversation because Kenny says he doesn't let things slide easily. One way to secure Kenny's heart is through music. He loves to talk shop and could spend hours reliving his favorite concerts or albums. Kenny is often misjudged by what people see on the outside, but inside, he's sensitive and caring. He's waited this long to find the right woman and isn't about to just settle for anyone, "This I Promise You!"

Kenny and his dad work out together every day.
Kenny hates cheese.
Kenny says the best time of the week for a date is Sunday morning over coffee.
Kenny wants to own his own dive bar on the beach one day.

BOY. BAND. MANAGER.

My Prediction: Booted midway through whenever Tayshia takes over because he refuses to stop using boy band lyrics in every single fucking sentence spewed out of his mouth.

Mike

Age: 38
Hometown: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Job I Think He Has: Canadian Mountie
Job He Actually Has: Digital Media Advisor

Official Bachelorette Bio: Mike is a total Canadian stereotype in that he is quite possibly the nicest person you'll ever meet. He loves spending quality time with friends and says being close with his family is a top priority. He enjoys activities like traveling the world, downhill skiing and going to see his favorite hockey team, the Calgary Flames. After his last relationship, Mike put up serious walls when it came to allowing himself to being vulnerable, but now he's back and better than ever! He is looking to find the right girl to ultimately marry and have children with. Mike wants a woman whose values align with his, as well as someone who is extremely honest and trustworthy. Being a good communicator is very important, and the biggest requirement of all -- his mom and his sister must love her. Mike is ready to find his forever and he can't wait for his chance to sweep Clare off her feet.

At the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, Mike captured a video with Hoda Kotb at the women's gold medal ice hockey game and went viral!
Mike is a proud, lifelong member of the Shania Twain fan club.
Mike refuses to acknowledge that season 8 of "Game of Thrones" ever aired.
If Mike could live in any time period, he would live during the Jurassic years so he could roam through life with the dinosaurs.

You know, he almost had me—seems too pure for this world, until the “Mike wants a woman whose values align with his” bit. This means the guy is ultra-religious and is gonna double down on the shaming for literally anything he perceives as an affront against his magic sky daddy.

My Prediction: Ends up with Hannah Ann, thus opening up one of the portals to Hell

Page

Age: 37
Hometown: Austin, TX
Job I Think He Has: Pet personal trainer
Job He Actually Has: Chef

Official Bachelorette Bio: Page is a well-known and well-respected chef in the Austin area. He has been in a few serious relationships and says he now understands the importance of a work-life balance. Page wants a strong, independent woman who will love being a stepmom and will love his little boy like her own. He prefers a night filled with good food, intimate company and stimulating conversation, so he's definitely not looking for a party girl on the go. He is open to having more children, and he is excited for that possibility with Clare. We just hope Clare is on the same page; pun intended!

Page cannot relate to people who love football.
In 2016, Page was featured in Food and Wine Magazine as one of the best new chefs of the year.
Page's favorite foods are pizza and caviar, but not at the same time.
Page loves to hang out with his buddies and debate social and political issues.

My Prediction: Sounds stable, already a doting father and wants more children, has a successful career—he’ll be gone night 1.

Riley

Age: 30
Hometown: Long Island City, NY
Job I Think He Has: Instagram sneaker influencer
Job He Actually Has: Attorney

Official Bachelorette Bio: Riley is a self-proclaimed workaholic who is here to give himself a real shot at finding love. After attending a small college in Ohio, he moved to New York City to attend Syracuse School of Law and pursue his dreams of being a big city lawyer. Since graduating, he has been working as an attorney practicing medical malpractice and the grind has been nonstop. He's ready to shift his priorities and believes that this is truly the perfect time for him to meet his soul mate and begin the next chapter of his life. Riley says he is looking for a woman he can be his authentic self with. The ability to carry a good conversation means a lot to Riley, but please don't ask him to go to a museum with you because that's not going to happen. He'd rather check out a new restaurant or spend the day at the ballpark enjoying the game over beer and hot dogs. He can't wait to have a family of his own and Riley plans to be an amazing father. In fact, he's already planning his first family vacay -- a tour of every single MLB stadium in the country. Sounds like a home run to us!

Riley knows all the lyrics to "Call Me Maybe" and is a Karaoke legend among his colleagues.
The one thing that really makes Riley mad is when the University of Michigan loses to Ohio State in football.
Riley's favorite type of dance is slow dancing.

Blah blah fucking blah. Dude’s a self-proclaimed workaholic attorney, he’ll be home at 2am every night, after wrapping up work at 1 and fucking a coworker quickly at 1:15.

My Prediction: Gaslights every single woman who steps into the Bachelorette role this season. Makes it to at least one persons’s Top 3.

Robby

Age: 31
Hometown: Tampa, FL
Job I Think He Has: Crack dealer
Job He Actually Has: Insurance Broker

Official Bachelorette Bio: Robby grew up in St. Petersburg, Florida, with his parents and older sister. He played D-1 baseball at Florida State University and moved back home after graduation to work for his family's insurance brokerage. He now splits his time between Tampa and Los Angeles, and says his main focus is taking the family business to the next level. As he continues to grow professionally, he wants to make sure he has someone by his side to share in his successes. His dream woman is incredibly athletic and able to throw back a few beers with him after a day of hiking. She has a sweet personality and won't mind that he spends his Sundays on the golf course. Robby is very close with his family, naming them the people he admires most in the world. His parents have been married for over 30 years and set the bar high for what Robby wants in a marriage. Will Robby find what he's looking for in Clare? We can't wait to find out!

His biggest accomplishment is modeling for GQ Magazine.
Robby is sentimental -- he still has a blanket that his first girlfriend made for him.
Robby's move when he is into a woman is to walk up to her and casually say, "Hey."
Robby hates iced tea.

Oh my god, I hate him. I hate him so fucking much. I want to smother him with that fucking blanket and then waterboard him with iced tea.

My Prediction: Wins SOMEONE’S season.

Tyler C

Age: 27
Hometown: Morgantown, WV
Job I Think He Has: Tik Tokker
Job He Actually Has: Lawyer

Official Bachelorette Bio: Tyler C. is a kind southern gentleman who loves to have fun. He grew up in a small town where he says he rarely left his bubble and wasn't very social … if only young Tyler C. could see himself now! After becoming the second person in his family to attend college, Tyler C. is a badass lawyer who says he is a businessman by day and cowboy by night. Now, he just needs a cowgirl to ride off into the sunset with. His parents have been a great example of what a true marriage is and he hopes to one day have a relationship as solid as theirs. Tyler C. is looking to find someone who will stand by his side through the good and bad, and while he admits that he's a picky guy, he's never been more ready to leave bachelorhood behind.

Tyler C. is a Matthew McConaughey stan.
Tyler C. HATES snakes.
Tyler C. could eat Thanksgiving dinner all year round.
One day, Tyler C. hopes to have three kids -- two boys and a little girl. In that order.

Who are these fucking caricatures? Why does this franchise enjoy finding the absolute most obnoxious people on the face of this planet and parading them around for weeks on end just to torture us? Why do I do this to myself? Why? WHY?

My Prediction: Kicked to the curb by Tayshia after ending every sentence with “Alright, alright, alright.”

Tyler S

Age: 36
Hometown: Georgetown, TX
Job I Think He Has: Extra in such esteemed movies as Piranhas DD and Texas Chainsaw Massacre 8: The Massacre-ing
Job He Actually Has: Music Manager

Official Bachelorette Bio: Tyler S. is finally putting himself first! After years of being on the road and managing the career of his brother, country singer Granger Smith, Tyler S. is ready to step out from behind the curtain and focus on himself. Tyler S. says it's been years since his last relationship, but knows that's his own fault. He just LOVES his job! He says that his career gets him up early in the morning, keeps him hungry and allows him to provide for himself now, and for his family in the future. He says he is single because it's hard to date while touring and he's not attracted to fangirls or groupies. His personal rule is that if he can't show his mama a girl's Instagram, then he can't date her…and Mama's approval is everything to Tyler! When Tyler S. has spare time, he likes to plant trees, fish and work with organizations fighting to protect wildlife. His perfect woman will love to keep it low key and cuddle up on the couch for a good movie night. She is caring, nurturing and willing to adopt his family as their own. Tyler S. says this is his moment, and we can't wait to watch him take center stage.

When listening to the radio, Tyler prefers to listen to AM over FM.
Tyler has been to all 50 of the United States.
Tyler doesn't understand the concept of going to the movies on a first date because there's no opportunity to chat.

Who the fuck is Granger Smith?

My Prediction: Dumped by Tayshia in the middle of whenever the fuck she takes over, but finds redemption when he’s invited back to Matt James’ season to stage a country music date.

Hi.

Oct 12 The Bachelorette S16A: Fifth Time’s the Charm

AJ