The Bachelor S24 E09: Two Outta Three Ain't Bad

All right, kids, it’s that time again—Fantasy Suite time! An entire episode dedicated to deciphering whether or not our lead fucks 1, 2, or all 3 of his final ladies. Luckily for us, we’re given all the tea, mostly because the Producers are using this episode as one gigantic weapon against Peter, the women, and all of Bachelor Nation.

Since everything even remotely related to Peter has to be about sex—windmills! Condoms in cars! Fucking Kelley before the season! Themed dates about fucking in windmills!—we of course go balls to the wall and just force our Final 3 to legitimately share a room in Australia so that they can discuss the finer points of boning a man-baby pilot with each other in real time. 

No, the show has never done this before. Yes, you can see Madison literally dying the entire time. 

Let’s dive in.

The Bang Ultimatum

We kick the night off with Madison telling Peter she’s out if he bangs the other women. Peter almost bursts out laughing because he thinks she’s kidding, then almost bursts into tears because he realizes this would put a serious crimp in his plans of fucking all of them. 

Let me point out that Madison still has not fucking told Peter that she’s a virgin and is waiting until marriage to have sex.

Madison. Honey. 

If you want to get engaged to this sad sack, you need to FUCKING TELL HIM. You can’t keep something this huge from someone you want to propose to you in, like, 3 days. I get being nervous, but honey, I don’t think this is just nerves—you’re not ready. You’re not ready for marriage, you’re not ready to confront your own desires, and let’s be real, you’re probably not even ready for a serious relationship. And that’s okay! Because you’re 23. Go have fun and figure yourself out. Then you’ll figure out you deserve better than Peter, too.

But Madison doesn’t tell him. And Peter? Well, it’s Peter. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

Fantasy Suite: Hannah Ann Reenacts the Titanic Steam Hand Scene 

Up first for a night of deep disappointment is Hannah Ann! Luckily she’s still young, and since all men under the age of 30 (if I’m VERY generous) are terrible in bed, at least she probably doesn’t know any better yet. 

They kick things off with a jet-skiing jaunt around the Gold Coast, which I’m fairly certain Hannah Ann called “the Gulf Coast” because it’s Hannah Ann. 

They excitedly talk about “the night ahead” and then Hannah Ann cries, which isn’t as disturbing as I’m making it sound right now. But it’s still disturbing.

The Date Card arrives with its promise of disappointing sex, and our daring duo scamper off to what appears to be a Best Western (hey, they got the Corporate Suite, at least!) where they promptly sprint to the bathroom to get freaky in the shower. There’s a very dramatic Titanic-style scene of Hannah’s hand slapping like a dead fish against a steamy bathroom door, and I excused myself to vomit into the basket of artfully arranged blankets beside my couch.

Fantasy Suite: Victoria F Gaslights Peter into Banging Her

Peter keeping Victoria F around just to bang her is ALL THE PROOF WE NEED that men completely disregard their brain-filled head and only think with their blood-filled head.

After yet another fucking flying date, and lots and LOTS of vocal fry from VF, Peter literally tells the cameras that Victoria has a great heart.

Let me repeat: PETER LITERALLY TELLS THE CAMERAS THAT VICTORIA HAS A GREAT HEART.

This is immediately after his trusted ex literally told him that she’s wrecked several of her friends’ marriages by sleeping with her friends’ husbands. This is literally after he’s spent an entire season seeing her manipulations and bullshit and backstabbing.

Peter pining for VF isn’t funny. It isn’t ridiculous. It’s deeply, deeply fucked up. The producers are just allowing their leads to get completely WRECKED these past few seasons like they’re particularly dense crash-test dummies instead of actual human beings. 

VF tells Peter how important communication is which, again, is fucking horrifying. Peter then spends the next 10 minutes gushing to her about how wonderful she is which, again, is fucking horrifying. And VF then responds in true VF fashion by SOBBING AND MANIPULATING HIM AND PRETENDING LIKE HE’S BEEN HORRIBLE TO HER. JUST TO GET HIM TO KEEP COMPLIMENTING HER. This is so fucking disgusting I find myself somehow yearning for Juan Pablo to sweep in and just take over the rest of the season.

So what happens next? They of course fuck. I assume VF laid demon eggs in him during it.

We then cut to the next morning, where Hannah Ann and VF bond over becoming Eskimo sisters. Meanwhile, Peter, his brain full of demon eggs, claims that his relationship with VF is “literally perfect.”

Everything is on fire.

Fauxntasy Suite: Truly, Madi, Deeply

Going for some kind of symbolism I can’t quite figure out, Peter and Madison kick their date off by…scaling a skyscraper? Is this because he has to climb higher than anticipated to claim her viriginal purity? Is this because she’s going to throw him off the top once she discovers he’s already banged the other two ladies?

Peter chirps proudly about climbing the skyscraper after taking an elevator literally 95% of the way up, and Madison tells the cameras they’re totes on the same page. Except for, you know, the fact that you never told him that you’re waiting until marriage for sex, and never told him you’d bail if he banged one or both of the other ladies. And except for the fact that Peter can’t stop banging literally anything that breathes, and isn’t religious, and doesn’t want to wait until marriage for more sex, and banged both other ladies.

Totally the same page. God bless 23 year olds. 

As they canoodle around on the top the building, Madison finally brings out the big guns and tells him she’s not having sex until marriage AND she’s about to jump off this building and outta the picture if he banged any of the other ladies.

Peter looks like he’s been slapped in the face with a particularly pungent trout. Him? Wait more than 5 minutes for the sex??

Madison looks expectantly at him, as though expecting him to be like “What, me? Need sex? Never!”

Oh, honey.

Peter does, to his credit, spill that he did indeed bang an infant and a racist, gaslighting sociopath. Madison looks devastated, because she apparently has 0.0% idea who Peter is. MADI, GIRL, COME ON. 

Peter, sensing he’s about to lose Madison and thus someone giving him undivided attention and validation, pretends like he’s totally gonna wait until marriage, so it’ll be fine for Madison to stay. PETER, GIRL, COME ON.

Until next week!