The Bachelor S24 E05: She Made Her Bed and Now She Needs to Alayah in It
Dear ABC,
If you want to find a leading man that can actually carry a season of a reality dating show, maybe next time don’t look for a 28-year-old Bachelorette reject that still lives with his parents, sexualizes their relationship, holds all women to an unreachable Lifetime movie-level of romance, thinks that fate is literally going to hand him his future wife on a platter, and truly believes that the one-and-only basis for love is finding “someone that wants him as much as he wants them.”
Is it any wonder, given this barrage of pure madness, that Peter’s season has been an utter disaster from day one? If we thought Hannah B couldn't make a decision to save her life, hoo boy were we mistaken. Peter flops desperately from one extreme to another, always ultimately caving and keeping the craziest of the lot because that’s safer to him than sending them home, and then sending home the more mature of the lot because that’s safer to him than someone seeing he’s just a gigantic man-baby that has literally no idea what he wants.
The only reason he hasn’t sent Kelley home yet—given that she’s the most mature and level-headed of the entire lot—is because they banged before the season begins and Peter thinks heavily with his dick. I cannot imagine the inner turmoil this poor fuck is feeling with her, right now.
Anyway, this episode is trash, and the next episode is trash, and I know this because ABC forced THREE HOURS of this fucking show on us on Monday, and then ANOTHER TWO HOURS of this fucking show on us on Wednesday, so you could say this has been the worst week of my life and you wouldn’t be wrong.
Let’s dive in.
Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now
We picked up right where we left off last week—that’s right, baby, with Alayah back in the fold, and Peter dense as a fucking rock. Peter clearly wants Alayah to stay, given that he agonized over sending her home (despite knowing full well she was fucking crazy and all of the other women knew it and were affected by it) and then promptly let her come right back the second she reappeared (despite knowing full well she was fucking crazy and all of the other women knew it and were affected by it).
But because Peter is, once more, a gigantic man-baby, he cannot trust his own decisions or even really make a decision to save his life. Even though he wants Alayah back, he’s terrified the other women will abandon him over the decision, so he crumples like a flimsy paper bag and promptly sends Alayah packing. Again.
Bruh. If you’re going to make crazy fucking decisions, at least have the damn balls to own them.
“She made her bed,” one of the remaining nobodies says smugly, ” and now she needs to Alayah in it.”
The women are clearly relieved to see Alayah leaving (again) but are also clearly doubting Peter’s interest, maturity, sincerity, and sanity. He tries to apologize to them, but most aren’t having it. Except, of course, for Victoria F, who thinks that pretending to be the voice of reason will negate the fact that she bangs all of her friends’ husbands (Warning: Big Spoilers in this link), and that she’s a racist fuck.
OOF (Twitter)
But there’s no time to dwell on this gross injustice, because it’s Rose Ceremony time, baby!
“If I don’t get a rose tonight,” says Tammy, “I’m going to set the building on fire.”
Big Mood, Tammy.
The Rose Ceremony
Safe already with their immunity roses are Racist Homewrecker Victoria F and fucking Kelsey. Joining them are:
‘00s Club Queen Madison
UnSouthern Belle Sydney
Meth Eyes Natasha
Lexi Goes Fast With Her Sister
Hannah “The Finasco” Ann
Shiann the No Kiss Getter
Khaleesi Eyebrows Mykenna
Victoria “We Only Went to Vegas!” P
Why Did I Agree to Come On This Show Kelley
Tammy the Fire Starter
Which means we say au revoir to Kiarra, whoever the fuck that is, and Windmill Deandra (who, if looks could kill, would’ve murdered Peter 1000x over by now).
Our stunted man-baby lead and the rest of our pathetic contestants raise a glass of Kelsey-triggering champagne as they say goodbye to the losers and learn—oh boy!—they’re off to Costa Rica! Which I’m pretty sure they all think is in California, but whatever.
Let’s Take This International
Alert Alert Alert: It’s finally time for Peter to break his face!
If you’ve forgotten, there was a lot of buzz before the season began because Peter somehow managed to carve his own face up like a fucking jack-o’-lantern. Peter greets the women (after they spend approximately 15 hours screaming into the sky in excitement over being in Costa Rica) with a gigantic gouge in his forehead, and tells them it’s from fighting off a puma.
Hi-larious! But Peter is just kidding. What really happened is that this dumb fuck literally walked face-first into a golf cart while carrying a…what the fuck is that, a Long Island Iced Tea? Anyway, this dumb fuck literally walked face-first into a golf cart while carrying a glass, and managed to fucking shatter it and gouge his own face with it, requiring a whopping 22 stitches. The fact that not a single woman up and left after hearing this ludicrous story makes me realize we have absolutely no one with an iota of intelligence among the batch.
Amazing (ABC)
After the women finish freaking out about the massive gash in Peter’s dome, he whines about how hard it is to be in a relationship with so many women. Peter, sweetie, you’re not in relationship with any of these women. That’s not how this works. Please go see a doctor, because I’m convinced some of that shattered glass has somehow made its way through that thick skull of yours, and has punctured your tiny brain.
Love Is In The Air (Yet Fucking Again)
The first date of the night is a 1:1 for Sydney, which un-shockingly includes more flying, but shockingly isn’t in a plane piloted by Peter. These two bland nothings hop in a helicopter and zoom around a volcano, and somehow manage to make this one of the most boring dates in the history of this show.
Every time Peter says anything—anything at all—Sydney responds with one of three words: Yeah, um, and so. Peter gushes that this is so mysterious, because he is a fucking moron.
“I guess you could say love is literally in the air right now!” He squeals, as Sydney gives a flat smile and refuses to answer.
Now, to Sydney’s credit, she does open up once they get back on the ground, telling him about how she was bullied relentlessly in high school, enduring racial slurs and mean girls and a senior year spent eating lunch in the bathroom. In the moment, I felt terrible for her.
And then the rumors came pouring in. Now, if this is all true, the last thing I want to do is to not believe her. But SO. MUCH. TEA. came out about her being a monster and massive bully in high school (including allegations that she bullied Hannah B—yes, that Hannah B—so badly in high school that she almost took a restraining order out on her) and y’all know I feel about Hannah B but in this case, HB is MY GIRL so. Make of it what you will.
Regardless of the ultimate truth, the rest of the date was a snoozefest, just like the rest of this season, so here the fuck we are. They end up making out, and Peter tells Sydney she’s the best kisser in the house. She sort of shrugs and yawns, and then they go out and roll around in bathing suits making out by a hot spring or something. Welcome to the Bachelorverse.
Let’s Capture Our Love Today
Back at the hotel, Kelsey has been relentlessly crying that Sydney had the audacity to get a 1:1 date instead of her, despite Kelsey having a 1:1 date…literally the episode before. Kelsey, honey, have you ever seen this fucking show before?
It’s 10am which means Kelsey is also already drunk, so we’re treated to a barrage of her wildly screaming about how she’s emotionally stable but cannot handle not getting back-to-back 1:1s so.
Luckily, it’s finally time for the Group Date. Off on this shit show are Emotionally Unstable Kelsey, Shiann the No Kiss Getter, Racist Homewrecker Victoria F, ‘00s Club Queen Madison, Meth Eyes Natasha, Victoria “We Only Went to Vegas!” P, Lexi Goes Fast With Her Sister, Hannah “The Finasco” Ann, Tammy the Fire Starter, and Khaleesi Eyebrows Mykenna, who’s having a mental breakdown because she’s on the Group Date instead of getting the other 1:1.
Because this show is one enormous misogynist’s wet dream, our ladies are off for a sexy photoshoot in the jungle, competing to win a cover shoot for Cosmopolitan! Wow, their sales must be REALLY down, huh. Cosmo’s Editor-in-Chief is there to oversee this travesty, and you can see her soul leaving her body as they get down to it.
As you’d expect, the date is gross. The mostly naked women gyrate all over Peter, either making out with him, clawing at him to get his attention away from the woman he’s currently making out with, or crying because they’re not the ones making out with him. This date sterilized me, and I’m not even mad about it.
BIG MOOD (ABC)
Racist Homewrecker Victoria F wins, mostly because she made out with Peter first and the most aggressively. She wins the cover! But then she lost the cover, because Cosmo may be having some hard times, but once they heard the tea they weren’t about to tarnish themselves that way. God bless you, Cosmo, and go fuck yourself, Victoria F.
After the shoot, VF grabs Peter for some alone time. Apparently her birthday was two days before, and despite knowing that, Peter completely forgot. God bless you, Peter.
Victoria whines about how 26 is so old, and 1) honey, it’s not old at all, and 2) you’re a fucking racist, home-wrecking, evil little goblin. That’s it, that’s my entire thought.
Kelsey then drunkenly lurches over to tell Peter she’s falling in love with him. Victoria F might be pure evil, but Kelsey is the Bachelor equivalent of the shooting of Archduke Ferdinand, and honesty, she’s ruined the entire thing from the fucking start. Now is no different, as she continues to lie and cry and whine, and Peter, because he’s fucking Peter, finds his endearing and keeps her around.
You know what, Peter? You deserve this. You deserve all of this.
Tammy gets some alone time with Peter next, and she promptly unloads on him, letting him know what a fucking disaster Kelsey is. Peter and his stupid headful of stitches google at her. What do you mean? His dumb face seems to say, the woman who had a complete mental breakdown over a bottle of champagne, the woman who’s always drunkenly sobbing at 10am, the woman who’s always picking crying fights with everyone else, is a disaster?
Because Peter is a smart, compassionate, considerate man, he then goes and finds Kelsey and promptly—literally—says “Kelsey, I heard you had, like a mental breakdown last night.”
That’s our leading man, ladies!
“SO,” Kelsey accuses, hurling her drunken carcass back towards the gaggle of remaining women. “I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHO CALLED ME EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE.”
I hate Kelsey so much it causes me physical pain.
Afterwards, Peter and Hannah Ann hang out and make out a lot, and then she gets the Group Date Rose, causing Kelsey to promptly have her fifth mental breakdown of the day.
Just Put Me Out of My Misery Already
It’s time for Kelley’s 1:1 date!
“This is my first 1:1 with Peter!” She exclaims to the cameras. The lie detector test says this is a lie, because they definitely boned in the Four Seasons at that wedding.
“Kelley and I have kind of a unique relationship,” Peter says, sounding especially aw-shucks-y. Again, this is because they definitely boned in the Four Seasons at that wedding.
Peter warbles on about his connection with Kelley, before admitting he didn’t even get her number when he met her. Ouch. Kelley seems wildly uninterested, one way or the other.
They’re swept off into the middle jungle to what I can only describe as an eco-chic yoga lodge. I’m wildly disappointed when this doesn’t turn out to be an ayahuasca trip date.
Two un-showered “spiritual guides” make them light candles and tell them Kelley isn’t interested in Peter in the slightest, because that’s what the wax is telling them. Peter begins pouring his heart out to Kelley, reading some ridiculous script about love and what he wants in life, and she literally interrupts him to shout “LIZARD!” because some cute little lizard bounded by. It’s the single greatest scene of this entire season, and I intend on watching it on repeat.
Peter looks utterly crushed, and then cries to the cameras about how some candle ceremony clearly concocted by the Producers told him he and Kelley aren’t on the same page, and it’s really making him think he and Kelley aren’t on the same page.
It’s so absurdly, wildly, outrageously stupid. And yet here we are.
After the ceremony, or whatever the fuck that was, they go off to dinner. Peter frets a fuck ton about where things stand between them. Kelley basically says he’s an idiot and she’s not pathetic enough to pine for him and think they’re going to get engaged tomorrow. She points out that she and, say, Hannah Ann, are at very different points in their lives, so that’s why she might not be as overt as the other women.
“I’m just not a big fucking idiot like you are, Peter” (ABC)
Peter—who until this point let every single woman who wanted to bitch endlessly about the other women, bitch endlessly about other women—is all OH MY GOD DON’T PUT DOWN OTHER WOMEN. He’s panicking, honestly, because he cannot handle a woman stronger than him. He legit doesn’t know what to do. Everyone else is vapid and boring and easy to manipulate, but Kelley? She’s a lawyer and she knows Peter is a stunted man-baby. To Peter, nothing is more terrifying. BUT she let him bone her once, so of course he doesn’t send her packing. Instead he whines a lot, she finally sighs and says she’ll try to be more open, and Peter excitedly gives her an immunity rose because he’s fucking pathetic.
They then go make out in another hot spring, because WHY THE FUCK NOT.
A Very Stable Genius
The next morning, fit to burst with alcohol, Kelsey sneaks out of the hotel and runs off to find Peter at his.
Peter, rather than being deeply worried for his own safety, is just so excited to see someone who’s definitely going to give him lots and lots and lots of validation. Hooray!
Kelsey whines about Tammy and the other women being so mean to her. She’s not a mess! She doesn’t have emotional breakdowns! She promptly begins crying, but stops the exact second Peter cuddles with her. All better!
Peter, being a desperate schmuck, is so happy. He’s such a dumb-dumb that he’s just falling all over again for Kelsey’s lies and manipulative bullshit. In fact, he falls for it so wholly that he gives her a fucking immunity rose. Where did that rose come from? Does he carry them around just for this reason? Was this pre-planned? Is there no god?
When Kelsey returns to the ladies’ hotel, she pretends to be all meek and want to get ahead of any perceived drama, but it’s clear as day that she’s luxuriating in every single second of it.
“Um, so ladies, I don’t want to hide this so, I went to see Peter,” she says, struggling not to smirk. The other women nearly riot, and I can’t blame them—they can only imagine what insanity she was spewing to our stunted pilot.
The drama carries over to the Cocktail Party, where our remaining women gather to fight.
“I don’t know how you can say I drink so much! You're projecting!” Kelsey cries at Tammy. She tells them all how she told Peter Tammy was telling everyone she was always drunk and popping pills. Tammy says she never said anything about pills. 3 other women call bullshit. Sydney gets in on the action, and is a GIGANTIC FUCKING BITCH, so again, really not sure about her story. Like, I get it—Tammy shouldn’t have lied about saying that, but girl, fucking chill.
Everything is terrible.
Then Zaddy Chris Harrison shows up and says Peter is, once again, skipping the Cocktail Party, and they’re going right to the Rose Ceremony. Because Peter cannot handle literally anything.
Mykenna and her offensive eyebrows sob and sob and sob, because THIS was going to be the time she FINALLY tried to talk to Peter! How dare Kelsey do this to her!
The Rose Ceremony
Already safe are Hannah “The Finasco” Ann, Fucking Kelsey, and “What Have I Done?” Kelley. Joining them are—
WAIT.
Just as our enormous dope of a leading man reaches for that fist rose, Tammy calls shenanigans and asks Peter to talk to him. Peter, being an idiot, goggles and agrees. Then Mykenna and her eyebrows see their opportunity, and she goes to get some 1:1 time with him. Everyone is now Fucking Pissed.
Finally, it’s time to dish out some fate. Safe tonight are:
Racist Homewrecker Victoria F
‘00s Club Queen Madison
Meth Eyes Natasha
Victoria “We Only Went to Vegas!” P
Sob Fest Mykenna
Tammy the Fire Starter
Which means we say goodbye—and that we’re jealous they’re escaping—to:
Shiann the No Kiss Getter
Lexi Goes Fast With Her Sister
Shiann throws out an ominous some of these women aren’t here for the right reasons! before she departs, and Peter cries for a moment before bottling all of that away, because why would Peter even attempt to think about something like that?
Until next week!
Wait, no, until Wednesday!
Send help.
