The Bachelor S24 E07: The Final 6 — The Opposite of What to Do

The further we get into this season of The Bachelor, the worse things get. I find myself yearning for the days of Arie, which is a sentence I never thought I’d ever type, and yet here we are. At least in Arie’s season, he was ready for marriage and was really looking for someone to end up with. Sure, he fucked Becca over hardcore in the end, but the guy is fucking married and has a child with his (eventual) winner, so something clearly went right. And the women that season? Sure, there were a few obnoxious ones, and the fetus that was Bekah, but the rest of the women were more in their late twenties, they actually got along, and they were all there to find love.

This season?

Well, the truth is trickier than it seems.

First, we have an utter dolt of a leading man that couldn’t tell you what he wanted even if it smashed him in the face with the force of one of his beloved planes. And not only is he an utter dolt, he’s a complete pushover who allows the Producers to manipulate him at every turn. He went from a happy-go-lucky windmill fucker to a sad, crushed, defeated shell of a man in what, three months? He had more chemistry breaking up (again) with Hannah B at that absurd sexy story date than he’s had with literally anyone on his actual season. You can see his soul flee his body whenever he has to actually interact with any of them.

Second, we have extreme editing and manipulation from the producers. Now, we all expect this to one degree or another, given that the producers were hatched from eggs found in the bowels of hell, but this season is just absurd. We can’t even discern a single personality from any of the women (minus, MAYBE, Kelley) because the editing is just so ridiculous. What we’re left with is a bunch of manipulated toddlers who cry at the drop of a hat and are only here to grow their follower count on Instagram. Not a single one of these women are interested in Peter (minus, MAYBE, Kelley) because they don’t even know what they want to begin with.

Third, we have an utter dolt of a leading man that—

Oh, wait. Okay, so just two points there. But the truth is that this season is just an absolute disaster, and not in any fun or enjoyable way. The drama is overly manipulated, the women have no discernible personalities, our lead is dying before our very eyes, and we’re left with a Final 6 that consists of several infants, a racist homewrecker, a Producer plant, and one very exasperated lawyer.

Let’s dive in.

Peru-sing the Rules of Religion

Another day, another international destination for our gaggle of trainwrecks—that’s right, kids, we’re off to Peru! Which Hannah Ann seems to think is a city. Finasco, indeed.

The Producers ask Kelley why she’s excited to be in Peru, and she gleefully blurts out “ALPACAS!” Guys, I’ve come to love Kelley so very much. She has zero interest in Peter, and instead is just along for a fun ride of free vacations and endless drama. She knows exactly what she’s doing and I am here for it. Kelley for Bachelorette for sure. Can you imagine? She’d just throw a dart at a chart of the bros to determine who she takes on dates, and she’d constantly wander off because some animal/food cart/street attraction catches her attention.

Peter finally appears and ruins my good mood, especially because he still has that gigantic fucking slab of…what is that, raw bacon on his forehead? What the fuck is covering his stitches?

Madison joins him for the first 1:1 of the episode, where they go to a fishing village, Madison says “like” close to 1700 times, and they make out a lot on a boat. That’s it, that’s pretty much the entire date.

On The Bachelor, this is true love (ABC) — On *The Bachelor*, this is true love (ABC)

“Oh my god, Peter,” she tells him at one point, “your scar looks like you fought a tiger or something!”

MADISON. HE RAN FACE-FIRST INTO A GOLF CART AND CARVED HIS OWN FACE UP WITH HIS LONG ISLAND ICED TEA GLASS. STOP.

Peter seems to deem his date a success because—and I quote—“she put her legs over mine and they got all tangled up and it feels nice.” Am I in Hell? This is Hell, right?

To his credit, they are incredibly tangled up the entire time. They spend something like 500 hours just rolling around on top of each other, making out while Peter repeatedly grabs her ass.

Which is weird, given that Madison then tells Peter how deeply, deeply religious she is, and how she wants to find a husband that’s just like her dad (WHY, WOMEN, WHY DO YOU DO THIS), and how she needs a man that’s equally as zealous about our omnipresent sky daddy. Whatever life is left in Peter’s face immediately drains out, because:

Peter isn’t religious in the slightest, and has no desire to even dip his toe in that particular pool
Peter really wanted to bang Madison in the Fantasy Suites and this means he probably won’t get to now
Peter is definitely planning on banging his other Final 3 in the Fantasy Suites, and this might ruin things with Madison
Peter really wishes he had never become the fucking Bachelor and that he’d just run off with Hannah B when he had the chance

Of course, however, Peter grits out a lie that he’s religious and totally fine with that, and honestly, you can see the inner struggle. He wants none of this, he just wants him a side of Madison, and yet here he is. He’s so desperate for validation (and boning) that he’s just giving up entirely. God bless ye, horny gentleman.

Also, Madison, honey. I’m all for getting your freak on. Or not. I’m all for fucking 500 people, or 5 people, or no people. Whatever or whomever you want to do, do it. But why are you preaching an utter devotion to religion and virginity when you’re endlessly dry humping a dude in the middle of a busy fishing village while, oh yeah, you’re also on national TV?

IMO, religion is fucking damaging, and this is what happens—you have super confused, super horny young women (because it’s always affecting the women, let’s be real) who have to fight who they are because their dads (because it’s always the dads, let’s be real) tell them they need to be pure and remain pure, while all the boys get to go have their fun without being judged. Madison doesn’t want to be deeply religious, she wants to get her freak on with a boy in a boat, and yet here we are. HERE WE ARE.

Madison of course get an immunity rose—and thus an invitation to Hometowns—and then they go to some random bar and dance. Peter tells the cameras he’s falling in love with Madison. You can see the lie in his eyes

The Producer Plant Gets Her Moment

By now, anyone with eyes and ears knows that Natasha is a Producer plant. She has absolutely zero chemistry with Peter, she’s close with 0.0 of the other women, she’s only trotted out to dole out wisdom to Peter on what’s happening around them, and girl is 31 fucking years old. No 31 year old is going to see Peter as a viable candidate for marriage, much less a viable candidate for a quickie in a windmill.

But before she’s sent packing, the Producers need to at least pretend like she’s there to find love, so when the Date Card arrives it’s her name on the next 1:1. Victoria F pouts a lot, because she spends her entire time on camera auditioning for an extra pouty porn. Jesus, I couldn’t hate he more if I tried.

Natasha’s date starts out with her wearing a cape! Okay, it’s actually just a tacky 1997-era duster, but it looked like a cape at first, and now I’m just extra disappointed. Anyway, they head off to a street fair of sorts, and clap wildly while visiting street food carts and watching dancers and acrobats. It’s kind of cool, except for the fact that it centers around these two idiots.

Peter gushes about how he’s seen all of Natasha’s sides, and how they’ve experienced so much together, and always had fun together, which is an interesting take after spending a whopping 15 full minutes this entire season with her. Did the Producers just stand there with cue cards in the background for him?

Afterward, they gather for another non-eating dinner date.

“I feel really safe with you,” Natasha tells him, speaking to the man that walked face-first into a golf cart, split his own head open with a cocktail glass, and had to get 22 stitches. “If we WERE to end up together—“

Peter picks up the immunity rose, as if to agree, and promptly says “I owe you all the honesty, this isn’t working for me,” and sends her packing. Oh, Peter, you suave bastard you.

As Natasha leaves, a paid orchestra plays. I hate the Producers.

Love is a Wild Ride

Well that’s certainly one way to put yet another 1:1 date with Kelsey. Yes, kids, we’re in for a lot more pain, so buckle the fuck up.

We kick this nightmare off with a signature Jump-On-The-Lead-Wrap-Your-Legs-Around-His-Waist-And-Kiss-Him Move (aka the ol’ JOTLWYLAHWAKHM) and once—just fucking ONCE—I want to watch one of the women misjudge this move and take both her and the Bachelor the fuck out.

Kelsey infuriates me just by existing, but Peter doesn’t seem to pick up on the craziness radiating off of her, mostly because his IQ ranks somewhere around that of an old mushroom. They go ATV-ing and Kelsey squeals about how scary this is, and then they both try and fail to run up the side of a mountain. I just give up.

Without any further adieu, Kelsey gets an immunity rose and our second Hometowns spot, and I have to step away from my TV to beat my head off my brick wall.

“I really admit your courage, and strength, and grace,” Peter literally says to the woman that had a complete emotional breakdown over a bottle of champagne.

The Worst Threesome Ever

Because, once again, this season is the fucking worst, we end up with the most yawn-inducing 3-on-1 of all time. There’s no excitement here, no drama here, no glorious leaving of someone on an island. There’s just sadness and the worst, most pathetic attempt at editing by the Producers of all time.

Off on this absurd debacle are Hannah Ann, Victoria F, and Kelley. Immediately we know Kelley is going home, because:

There’s literally no way Peter’s sending Hannah Ann home. She’s extraordinarily young, completely malleable, has no idea what she wants, told Peter she’s falling in love with him, and will definitely bang him in the Fantasy Suites.
There’s literally no way Peter’s sending Victoria F home. She’s extraordinarily manipulative, completely psychotic, brimming with drama and gaslighting, knows exactly how to screw with Peter to keep him running back to her, and will definitely bang him in the Fantasy Suites.
Kelley is way too smart, mature, and eagle-eyed to allow Peter to get away with his bullshit. She has a good career, she has a good head on her shoulders, she wants to let love organically and just enjoy her time with someone, she knows exactly what she wants, and she won’t allow herself to be manipulated by a 28-year-old man-baby that still lives with his parents.

Anyway, all three dress up like we’re going clubbing circa 2004, and what the fuck is it with the outfits this season? Aren’t we reliving the ‘90s right now? The aughts were another kind of painful, let’s give it a little more time before we get back into that nightmare.

Up first for a grilling is Hannah Ann. Thinking she’s going home, she cries a lot. Turned on and convinced this means she loves him, Peter of course gives her an immunity rose and thinks he’s falling in love with her.

Next up is Victoria F, who is wearing a gigantic fucking cross necklace, and WOW is that FUCKING HILARIOUS. Girl, you bang your friends’ husbands and wreck their marriages, and you happily broadcast your racism left, right, and center—check yourself at the goddamn door. She cries and of course runs away from Peter again, and he keeps exasperatedly asking her if she wants to be there and why she’s doing this, AND YET THEN GIVES HER THE IMMUNITY ROSE. Peter has 0.0% balls, and it’s just so desperately, desperately sad.

Which of course means that Kelley is going home. But not before the Producers try to do her dirty.

During the course of the date, we’re bombarded with clearly spliced voice-overs from Kelley. Kelley has discussed before how she’s in a different place than the younger women, and how she’s looking for something different than they are. Kelley’s been clear but mature and kind about all of this, and has never attacked any of the other women. However, the Producers try to paint her as some 11th-hour villain, making it sound like she’s shitting constantly on the other women for being too young and too dumb and too immature, and how she’s so much better than they are. But it’s all in weirdly jumpy voice overs, and we never see Kelley actually say any of this, and everyone and their mother know this is the mother of bad edits.

These fucking Producers.

Anyway, Kelley tells Peter they can have fun, connect, and grow their relationship. She tells him they can build a real partnership and really turn this into something great. Peter, hearing that he’d have to actually put effort into a relationship, panics and sends her home.

We’re then treated to a curious scene of Hannah Ann fucking sobbing. Not over Kelley going home, but I think over the fact that she’s not allowed to go home herself, and that the manipulation and stress and forced drama are just fucking killing her. There’s some solid tea on Reddit from a verified source that talks about the extreme manipulation by the Producers this season. As soon as Hannah Ann realized #ChampagneGate was completely planned by the Producers, she refused to let herself be manipulated again and has outright ignored their attempts to bullshit her. This gives me a whole new respect for Hannah Ann, but also makes me feel fucking awful. Girl deserves better, and better would’ve been blessedly sending her home.

Anyway, we have our Final Four, Hometowns are just over the horizon, and we’ve all lost whatever dredges of tattered self-respect we may have had remaining.

Until next week!

Hi.