The Bachelor S24 E02: #ChampagneGate
Welcome to Hannah B’s season of The Bachelor, y’all!
I’m so glad we have this second chance of love for our girl—you know, our “Hannah Beast” who was so bold, so brave, and so badass that she spent an entire season of The Bachelorette letting her men walk all over her, desperately ignoring red flags because she didn’t think she deserved any better treatment, and self-sabotaging to the point where she chose to get engaged to a man who had literally told her he only came on the show to further his own career.
After she finally dumped Jed’s pathetic ass and hit-by-a-frying-pan-looking face, she then promptly tried to get back with her runner up Tyler, the man that gave the entire country its collective sexual awakening. After he tried to give it a go but decided he deserved better—like a woman who actually chose him first, who just happened to be Gigi freaking Hadid—our Beast had to scramble to see who else from her past she could cycle back through, because 1) our girl never learns, and 2) our girl will take the evil she knows over the evil she doesn’t any day of the damn week.
Given that Hannah couldn’t go back to Luke P (because her family would officially have her committed), that only left Peter. Who was, conveniently, on TV! More poor decisions to be made in the public eye! ROLL TIDE!
Bachelor Nation is collectively beginning to think Peter and Hannah will end up together, even despite some of (or perhaps directly because of) the spoilers floating around. This episode certainly seems to give that impression, what with all its pathetic whining and sadness around these two idiots, including a hilariously terrible scene of Peter’s mother hyperventilating and ugly sobbing, begging Peter to “go bring her home” and we all know none of the women this season would elicit that response in literally anyone. Ever.
Oh, and fun fact: Peter lives with his parents. Doesn’t that make this scene all the more glorious?
Let’s dive in.
My Big Fat Greek Disaster
We open the episode right where we left off—with a mascara-saturated Hannah and a weirdly beaded Peter crying at each other about their lost love. Where did it all go wrong? I mean, they fucked in a windmill, for god’s sake! Peter asks Hannah to stay, and Hannah refuses, mostly because she’s on break from Dancing with the Stars and needs to get back to the set. Peter whines that he wants someone that wants him as much as they want him. Hannah cries some more and they almost kiss, like, 50 times. It’s terribly unsexy and terribly boring, just like them.
Just put us out of our misery already, guys (ABC)
The contestants are right in this sinking boat with those of us suffering at home, bitching and grumbling about being dumped for Hannah B while trying to write out a sexcapade for this ill-fated date. Remember, the entire point of this stupid group date is for the to share a sex story with an audience full of strangers. On a stage with a sadly rotating windmill backdrop. Oh, the humanity.
Luckily for all of us, once Peter is done wanting to bang Hannah backstage, he pathetically wanders out to the group to tell them the date is off because he is The Sad (TM). The women are The Pissed (TM) but are afraid of angering the Producer Gods by bitching too much about Hannah B. And so, much like I assume those four times in the windmill went, we ended our night with Peter too early and wildly unsatisfied.
Then Peter went off to bang Hannah.
Sure, we don’t have proof of this, but the tea has been steadily pouring since this summer, and word is that Peter disappeared for literally hours right after cancelling the date, and no one could get a hold of him. He claimed he was “sick” but dude, wanting to get laid isn’t a sickness.
Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Devastated by the loss of a stunted man-baby pilot that still lives with his overbearing parents, our forlorn ladies are sent off to wander Hollywood Boulevard after their super classy sexy story date is brought abruptly to an early end.
At the Cocktail Hour, Sydney and Natasha bitch endlessly, and I’m beginning to believe the rumors that Natasha is a Producer plant—she is so fucking annoying she makes me rip out my own hair in frustration. She has zero chemistry with Peter, and the rest of the women can’t seem to quite figure her out. All she does is narrate the night like a really bad local cable news anchor. I hate her, and I hate Peter, and I hate everything about this.
Finally, a still mopey Peter joins the ladies and apologizes for, you know, ditching them to go bang his ex. Sydney stops her bitch fest long enough to grab some alone time with Peter, during which she aggressively tells him she’s “not your typical Southern Belle.” They then promptly make out.
Mykenna and her Khaleesi eyebrows get a makeout sesh with Peter next, but it’s not enough to win the Group Date Rose—Sydney our Not-So-Southern-Belle gets the honors, because she’s, like, different, you know?
Guys, easy with the shading (ABC + HBO)
And that’s it. That’s the entirety of this day’s events. Insert another came-too-fast joke here.
Champagne Gate
You’d think something that had been dubbed #ChampagneGate—something that the trailers had been hyping for approximately the past 50 weeks—would be exciting. You would be wrong. You would be so wrong, in fact, that instead of being swept up in the breathless excitement of it all, you’d find that your eyes had rolled all the way into your skull and you’d slipped quietly into a coma because you had to literally be as removed as possible outside of death just to get through his mind-numbing stupidity.
We kick this nightmare off at the Rose Ceremony, where half the women are panicking because they got no time with Peter because he’d ditched them to go boff his ex, and where half the women are panicking because everyone on this show is an unstable lunatic.
The camera pans around the gaggle of women, and I can confidently say I have never seen 50% of them in this room ever. EVER. Who are all of these women? Where did they come from? Did someone leave the back patio door open and they just snuck in? Would anyone even notice one way or the other?
First to swoop in for some 1:1 time is Lexi, who’s giving me some serious ‘70s Sissy Spacek vibes. She yammers on about her intro in that little red Corvette, but Peter looks stupidly stumped and says he doesn’t remember. How embarrassing! Lexi almost dies right there on the spot, but then Peter laughs. He’s just kidding! What a relief! Lexi looks like she might murder him, but then Peter whips out a little red model Corvette that a Producer must have just handed him off-camera, and Lexi laughs delightedly. I, too, love when a man humiliates me on national TV for a spot of fun!
Then, of course, they make out.
Over in the gaggle of mystery women, Kelsey loudly starts yammering on about her Super Sexy Secret Treat for Peter, which is a year-old bottle of champagne that she brought all the way from Des Moines, people! I didn’t think people in Des Moines even knew what champagne was, so kudos to them, I guess.
Kelsey has made a little love nest somewhere on the grounds of the mansion, complete with her bottle of bubbly, two champagne glasses, and a cozy little blanket. Which she just leaves sitting there, so she can go off and gab with the girls some more. Sure?
The other women pretend like this is the sweetest, most charming, most unique thing they’ve ever heard in the world. A bottle of champagne?? On a reality dating show?? Heart eyes emoji, ladies, amirite??
“The bottle of champagne shows what I want,” Kelsey declares, with passion. “What my heart wants.” Her heart wants to get drunk? That I understand, at least.
BUT THEN! Just when Kelsey is thinking about going off to find Peter to raise a glass of bubbly to him, Mykenna steals him for a minute. And by steals him, I mean goes and asks him if he wants to chat, because she wasn’t anywhere near Kelsey and this is what you do on The Bachelor. THE. HUMANITY.
This gives Kelsey her first meltdown of the night. She begins crying and bitching about how everyone else has had an opportunity to get time with Peter except for her. As she sits on the couch. Not getting up. Not trying to get time with Peter. A handful of mystery women egg her on, saying how unfair this is. Like, what?
HOW DARE SOMEONE JUST EXIST AROUND ME (ABC)
“Mykenna is a SNAKE!” Kelsey literally screams, turning purple as she marinates in the injustice of it all. This is…wildly ridiculous. Sure, you could get annoyed because someone had the wherewithal to grab Peter away before you do, but this isn’t some grave attack or betrayal. Well, to someone sane it isn’t.
“She’s BETRAYING me!” Kelsey continues, beginning to completely unravel. And the women around her? They just pat her hand sympathetically and tell her this isn’t fair. Again, like, what? What is this? Why are you condoning this behavior, ladies? Are you secretly hoping Kelsey gets so worked up that she self-implodes and gets booted out? Or are you really so fucking dense that you think this is an okay reaction to the situation?
Mykenna comes back and Kelsey just rips right into her, freaking out about her loss. Mykenna raises her absurdly dark eyebrows, throws out a quick apology and, sensing impending doom, makes a hasty escape. Smart, that one.
Madi, who’s for the moment busy and unable to praise herself from her own finsta account, gets some alone time with Peter while this is going on in the background. Peter, because he’s a kind and thoughtful chap, has a present for her as well! It’s a framed picture of her with his family! Peter’s practically blowing his load in this pants as he gives the picture to her. So many things that turn him on, all in one tidy package! Madi coos over it delightedly, and I pour myself a row of shots. It’s going to be so much fun for Madi to throw this away after she doesn’t win.
Back at ground zero, the women are hyping Kelsey up again to go get her champagne on. Kelsey, feeding into it, begins hyperventilating in excitement, yammering on and on and fucking ON about how excited she is to share her champagne and therefore her heart with our intrepid pilot. The romance! The depth! The…wait, what was that noise?
In one of the best moments of this entire franchise, you can watch the light die in Kelsey’s eyes as a champagne cork pops in the distance. Was that really her bottle of champagne? Who would do such a thing??
Why, Hannah Ann, of course! We’re treated to a glorious scene of Hannah Ann and Peter chugging that sacred bottle of bubbly, before Kelsey comes careening around the corner to scream at them. She’s acting like Hannah Ann just murdered her firstborn. Hannah Ann looks appropriately sheepish, and you know why?
THIS IS THE BACHELOR, PEOPLE! The Producers set up these little love offerings left and right. In fact, we then see Hannah Ann and Peter stumble upon another setup of champagne and glasses like five feet away. Hannah Ann wasn’t anywhere near Kelsey all night, as far as we could tell, and had literally no idea she’d brought an extra-special bottle of Des Moines’ best just for the occasion. But Kelsey is hell-bent on thinking Hannah Ann is doing all she can to ruin her life. So much so that when she runs off, sobbing, Peter follows but she won’t even let him talk to her. Honey, you’re doing this all wrong. ALL WRONG.
When Kelsey finally emerges and tells the gaggle of mystery women what happened, they promptly begin backing Kelsey up and consoling her and telling her how sad and tragic and what the fuck ever this is. LADIES. STOP. CONDONING. THIS. INSANE. BEHAVIOR. Do not enable Kelsey. Do not let Kelsey think this behavior is okay. Do not even interact with Kelsey, just call 911 and make yourselves scarce so you don’t get murdered.
Anyway, my faith in a higher power is momentarily restored when Peter finally coaxes Kelsey out for some 1:1 time. He leads her to the exact same champagne setup the Producers left out and she pops the bottle open for them to finally enjoy together. And the bottle promptly erupts, sending a cascade of champagne exploding all over Kelsey’s face.
Sweet, sweet justice (ABC)
Let me bask in the idea of a god for just this one glorious moment.
Ah. That was good.
Anyway, we spend the rest of the cocktail hour with Kelsey, now uncomfortably sticky and murderously unhinged, screaming about how Hannah Ann is sabotaging her and trying to ruin her life.
“I think the reasons emotions are running high today is because Peter is such a catch,” says some random woman to the camera.
Sure.
The Rose Ceremony
Finally it’s time to thin the herd. Already safe are ‘00s Club Queen Madi and UnSouthern Belle Sydney. Joining them are:
Khaleesi Eyebrows Mykenna
Teacup Challenged Victoria P
Meth Eyes Natasha
Jasmine the Stroke Inducer
Sarah, Whoever the Fuck That Is
Lexi Goes Fast
Champagne Stealing Hannah Ann
Alexa the Vagina Waxer
Tammy the Package Handler
Grandma Rose Alayah
Windmill Deandra
Wet Vagina Victoria F
Shiann the No Kiss Getter
Kiarra Who Shoved Herself into a Suitcase
Savannah the Groper
And of fucking course #ChampagneGate Kelsey
Which means we raise a toast to these fallen sisters going home:
Lauren with the Good Dress
Payton Four Times
Mile High Club Courtney
“Cheer to love!” Peter declares, popping more champagne as our three losers tromp out of the room. Peter asks Kelsey if she wants to make a toast and she refuses, almost dying on the spot. Hannah fucking Ann swoops in and says she’ll make one, and guys, I love her. I just love her.
Time to Let Your Personality Shine
It’s Group Date time! The date card reads: “It’s time to let your personality shine!” Oh, honeys, if any of you had personalities you wouldn’t be on this show. Anyway, off to let something or other shine are Alexa the Vagina Waxer, Khaleesi Eyebrows Mykenna, Meth Eyes Natasha, Windmill Deandra, Lexi Goes Fast, Wet Vagina Victoria F, #ChampagneGate Kelsey, and Champagne Stealing Hannah Ann. Because of course.
They’re whisked off to Revolve. Revolve!! This must be a devastating blow for Savannah back at the Mansion—remember, she was the one that said she “enjoys rollerskating and shopping at Revolve” in her fucking official bio for the show.
When our ladies walk in the door, who’s there to greet them but Carson Kressley from the OG Queer Eye! And with him is—OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO JANICE DICKINSON’S FACE?? Our over-the-hill former hotties tell the ladies they’re going to compete in a fashion show, and the winner gets all of the clothing in the Revolve closet! Oh, and Peter too, I guess.
With that tantalizing treat dangled before them, the women sprint off to all corners of the store, hurriedly ripping clothes off of hangers to fashion themselves a cutting-edge outfit.
When basic bitches go wild (ABC)
Victoria “I told Peter my vagina is wet” F is freaking the fuck out, hyperventilating that she’s not confident enough for this, and not comfortable enough for this, and she cannot wrap her mind around this. So of course, given that she’s been able to choose her own outfit, she decides to wear lingerie down the catwalk and then grab Peter and make out with him in front of the entire audience. How meek and shy!
Mykenna saunters down the runway and does a little dance at the end like she’s at the same ‘00s club Madison frequents. Someone get this girl a Midori sour, stat!
Kelsey stomps out clutching a bottle of champagne, so I guess she’s recovered from the night before?
Hannah Ann struts out in a fucking wedding dress, and I am SO #TeamHannahAnn.
In the end, Janice Dickinson props her falling-off-the-bone face up and spits out that they’ve narrowed it down to two finalists—Hannah Ann and Victoria F—and they need to do a walk-off to determine the winner.
The very best of 2003 (ABC)
They sashay out in the same dress and fight for dominance, but it was over before it began—first Hannah Ann slaps Victoria F with her dress, and then, when Victoria F turns tail and just walks back, Hannah makes sure she gives an extra strut down the end of the runway and throws out a power pose, and she of course immediately wins. This prompts Victoria F to have an utter meltdown. I do not care, because Victoria F is literally pure fucking evil. Read the Reddit tea, people.
This is definitely something I would wear to a formal event (ABC)
Peter goes to VF to console her, which she eats up like delicious, delicious cake. This is all a part of her master plan, but Peter, god bless his little brain, is too stupid to figure it out.
At the Cocktail After Party, Kelsey loudly and gleefully bullies Hannah Ann, telling anyone who will listen that Hannah Ann is a snake and a manipulator and she totally set out to purposely ruin Kelsey’s life, what with the champagne stealing, and all. Kelsey is the fucking worst. The. fucking. worst. I want her to go home imediately, but because there is no god, we will have to deal with her for weeks to come. WEEKS, PEOPLE.
Hannah Ann finally pulls Peter aside to tell him what’s going on with Kelsey. She tells Peter she’s being bullied, and actually does this very genuinely, because A) she is being bullied, and B) Peter does need to know.
“I’m not a champagne stealer!” Hannah Ann pleads, with passion. “I’d just never do that to someone!”
Peter then pulls Kelsey aside to ask her about these grevious charges, and Kelsey immediately runs off to the bathroom to sob. If she could just stay in there for the rest of the season, that would be great.
Anyway, VF and her lingerie-wearing demureness get the group date rose. We then wrap things up with a montage of the upcoming season, during which Peter seemingly bangs the entire cast. ROLL TIDE!
Until next week!
