Bachelor in Paradise S05 E01: The Goose Gang
Welcome to paradise, motherfuckers! What a season this is turning out to be. Already we have deep connections, tender romance, insightful—
Lmao nah, I’m full of shit, this season is already a goddamn train wreck and honestly, it’s what I live for. Let’s dive in.
The many faces of deep, utter sadness (ABC)
Welcome to Paradise
Because this show makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, we begin with two rounds of introductions—one with the contestants mostly off-beach catching us up on their time off (although some of them are on the beach?) and then one when they actually walk in the door. Listen, no one in paradise (other than Jordan and Grocery Joe) is interesting enough to introduce twice, but here we are.
We open with Kendall, who absolutely no one cares about.
Next up is Kenny, who was ruthlessly sent home by Rachel, who ignored his protests as she stuffed him in the SUV and declared that he just missed his daughter too much to possibly stay any longer.
Kevin with his sadness re: Ashley Iaconetti (who's about to get engaged right in front of him, lmao) and weird face flash on screen next, followed by Krystal and her predatory vocal fry. Chris rounds out the nightmare trio with his abusive ass self, and all of Bachelor Nation wishes he and Krystal could just be shoved in a canoe and set adrift in the open ocean.
Up now is Chicken David, who happily declares that he’s living at home with his BFF, his mom, who’s also apparently his slave. He then laments, “Unfortunately I can’t marry my mom!” because this is hell. Right on his tail feathers is Captain Underpants Jordan, who delightedly discusses his deep love of sipping white wine and watching romcoms. God, I love this man.
Annaliese gets a quick moment in the spotlight next, but sadly there are no Vietnam War-style flashbacks for her irrational fear of whatever’s coming next (starfish? birds? clouds?). Bibiana strolls in next, all badass and Bibi, and then promptly proceeds to unsexily roll around in the sand while talking about listening to her vagina and—okay, just had to make sure that was Bibi, not me, we’re good to go.
Anyway, up next is Wills, modeling his Paradise Collection, and Tia “I Love Colton” Booth who pretends to be over Colton while feverishly ranting about how much she cares about him and wants to see him. I pity Tia’s first time with Colton SO MUCH and yet cannot wait for it. There’s going to be so much crying on both their parts, but for very, very different reasons.
Chris shows up at some point and announces that he is A Good Guy and he’s like a goose, because…I don’t fucking know, I don’t speak Psychotic, so whatever. We’re then treated to a short montage of him frolicking with geese, and, shockingly, not snapping and murdering one for looking at him funny or whatever. (At least if he did, the producers were gracious enough not to air it,)
Other people are given intros too (I think) but I’m already drunk, so whatever.
We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat
Ominous music strikes as we finally arrive on the shores of Paradise, where we’re greeted by Chris Harrison yammering on about fake news. Which is RICH given that Garrett just won The Bachelorette, but here we fucking are.
Now that the weird intros are done, we go right back to the beginning with the actual entrances. Tia arrives first, of course, because she loves being first to prime real estate and then fucking it all up. Eric strolls in next, which is unfortunate because he’s too pure for this franchise, and ABC is just going to do its damndest to destroy him.
Although he then exclaims “Tia’s got nice teeth! And nice feet!” and questions her about her toenail polish color, so maybe I spoke too soon on the preciousness.
Kendall comes in and is immediately fucking weird, slow-mo running down to the shore. Jordan prowls down the stairs next, giving his best Pensive Gentleman (TM) look, and Bibiana once agains ups the not-quite-right sexual ante by declaring something about her uterus getting action, and I’m honestly concerned that she doesn’t know how sex works.
Then we’re GIVEN A GIFT FROM GOD in the form of Grocery Joe, whose smile makes my soul sing; makes my heart skip a beat; makes my hands clammy. Wait, am I having a heart attack? Worth it.
Speaking of gifts from god, Jordan is delighted to see Grocery Joe, and then ECSTATIC to see Wills come in, because Wills stands next to Wells, and there’s well liquor right there, and he just cannot contain his excitement about it all coming together.
The thrill of seeing Grocery Joe, the agony of seeing Chicken David (ABC)
John of Venmo returns with his surprisingly ripped bod, and is really sweet but way too fucking excited about all of the lady options currently storming the beach. He’s promptly joined by Nysha, who I’ve never fucking seen in my entire life, and Angela, who I’ve also never seen but goddamn, does she have nice hair. I look like an electrified poodle 0.1 seconds into that kind of heat and humidity, and yet her unknown locks are flowing perfectly.
Kevin lurks in the background, and I still cannot muster even one crumb of interest in him. Kenny swoops in to cheer me up, however, and I feel lingering sadness that this show will also destroy him, just as it will Eric. Goodnight in advance, sweet princes.
Canoodling and Cadavers
Kendall kicks off the day’s flirtations by being fucking Kendall. She corners Grocery Joe and demands to know if he’s ever seen a dead body IRL to which he sort of shrugs and says yes, and honestly I can’t tell if it’s because he has, or if it’s because he just wants Kendall to leave him the fuck alone. (If it’s the latter, sorry bb, you just screwed yourself big time). Kendall trills on and on about their connection, and everyone in Bachelor Nation promptly pukes.
Grocery Joe is then saved—and yet also not saved even remotely in the slightest—by the arrival of Krystal, who demands to know if he watched her season or not.
“No,” he says happily, obliviously.
“Good,” she replies, murder glinting in her eyes.
RUN, JOE, RUN (ABC)
Off in the distance, Jordan is rambling to Annaliese about how awful Chicken David is, and then—SURPRISE!—who comes running in but our fearless (except when it comes to bunkbeds) piece of poultry.
Ladies, get you a guy that looks at you the way David and Jordan look at each other.
We then switch over to the Tia and Colton Show, where Tia laments and yet refutes her love for Colton, and spends everysinglesecond of the episode so far staring feverishly at the stairs, hoping that Colton is going to come tromping down them any moment. Will he arrive? Will ABC drag this out until Bachelor Nation is flipping their fucking shit?
It’s a Cruel, (Cruel), Cruel Summer
Of fucking COURSE ABC is going to drag out the Colton bullshit, where do you think we are?
But let me back up to really ramp up the pain.
Papa Harrison gathers the contestants to unleash the terror. “This is the home for second chances,” he says gleefully, looking out over a sea of literal and figurative losers.
“There are nine ladies here but ten men. Men, NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE!” he booms. This is what Chris Harrison lives for, and it. is. glorious.
(Now if you don’t know, the way Bachelor in Paradise works is that they vote off one fucking loser each week—the one without a mate, which is hilariously evil. So with more men than women this week, it means one man is getting drowned right in the beautiful waters lapping quietly at the shore behind them.)
So who gets the date card to kick off the insanity? Hello, dragging out the bullshit—it’s Tia!
“Are you kidding me??” she screeches, desperately staring off into the shadows for a hint of hunky virgin. But the Bachelorverse does not kid, and off she goes to mope around the shore, lamenting her sad luck and wondering which stupid schmuck to take on a date.
As Tia disappears into the distance, the sad fuck contestants are shepherded to their slumber chambers, where they ooh and ahh over a bunch of fucking twin-sized bunkbeds.
“I’ll pass on the top bunk,” Chicken David says with trepidation, remembering that time he fell out of a top bunk and broke his own face.
Nick shows up in the background, and I didn’t recognize him because he wasn’t in a fucking tracksuit. Then we inexplicably end this segment.
Get Down With the Sickness
“I woke up thinking about Colton,” Tia whines, stressing heavily over who to take on her date. She could give the date card away, of course, but why on earth would she do that, what with only wanting one man that’s definitely going to show up soon?
Remember, we’re in hell, so it should come as no surprise that she finally picks Chris.
YEAH, CHRIS.
Quick recap—Men that Tia has liked:
- Arie
- Colton
- Chris
And there’s the problem right there.
Anyway, they go on a date, I think there’s fireworks (or I’m way more drunk than I realized) and they kiss and she pretends like she’s moving on from Colton, which will last all of 2 minutes until he explodes onto the scene.
And explode onto the scene he does (wishing full well it was other kinds of exploding he was doing) just in time to deliciously choose a chat with Kendall over Tia. He’s then filled in dutifully by Kendall that Tia—her very-best friend, as evidenced by their Faux Forced Friendship Time on The Bachelorette—had chosen to take another man out on a date rather than give up the date card to someone else.
Again, delicious.
“Colton showing up is Tia’s personal Vietnam,” Jordan says breathlessly to the cameras, which is fucking hilarious because 1) it’s really fucking funny, and 2) I cannot fucking believe he knows what Vietnam is in this context (or at all).
Speaking of personal Vietnams, there are a number of them going on simultaneously in the background:
First up is for Krystal, who’s fucking dying over the fact that Joe whisked Kendall away for strolls and kind-of-gross kisses, rather than her. “I’m not an aggressor,” she lies, laughing maniacally, and we all fear for the safety of the two lovebirds. Remember, Krystal will rip your throat out with her bare hands, if you let her get close enough.
Next up is Chelsea, who is dying right before our eyes as she’s subjected to more than one minute alone with Nick. Nick—who’s best known for wearing tracksuits and gold chains—is, shockingly, a fucking meathead.
“I dunno what it is, but like,” he slurs, apparently high as a fucking kite. “But like, there’s something about you. I dunno, babe, but like, yeah.”
Nick is the broiest bro I have ever fucking broed, Jesus fucking Christ.
Chelsea swiftly and brutally shuts him down, first telling him she doesn’t feel well and is going to go to bed, and then refusing to let him walk her back to her weird little bunk bed. Nick is flabbergasted at it all, and it’s amazing.
Exes and Ohs
Meanwhile, on the Tia and Colton Show, more nonsense is going down. Chris is crazily insisting Tia is over Colton and all about him now, while everyone on this fucking planet can clearly tell otherwise.
Chris pulls out the Abusive Asshole 101 textbook to tell Tia he wants a “good girl” which is fucking ridiculous, but luckily we can already see that Tia is tuning him out completely.
Chris, because he’s fucking Chris, is also leading the charge on the anti-Colton train, riling up the other contestants about How Unfair and Awful He Is for not immediately running to Tia’s side.
Look, I’m the QUEEN of spotting red flags, but this is fucking ridiculous. Colton and Tia had their whatever, Colton went on The Bachelorette, Tia insisted it was fine, and then in the final episodes Tia swooped in to derail his journey and essentially cause Becca to send him home. Let’s all give Colton a fucking break for a few damn minutes. I’m sure they’ll both be awful enough to hate on again shortly.
Now, because all this aside, they both still have the emotional maturity of elementary schoolers, we’re of course treated to a painful few minutes of Colton (poorly) fake flirting with Angela, our nicely coifed stranger. She laughs so fucking jarringly it makes nails on a chalkboard sound soothing, and then starts a sentence with “omigod, my daddy—“
To which I shut the fucking TV off and had to take a few deep breaths.
Okay, moving on.
Chris is in the background ranting about geese, but we block him out because Colton then brutally asks Tia out on a date right in front of Angela.
Guys, this show is so bad yet so good.
Tia, who is “totally over Colton,” basically sprints right to his side and the two run off to go canoodle on a boat. There’s some coy will-they-or-won’t-they talk, but we all fucking know they’re going to at least get to first base, which I think is as far as Colton’s ever gotten. God bless the poor fucker.
We're totally over each other! (ABC)
Back at basecamp, Chris is in full psychotic break mode, gathering members of the newly minted Goose Gang to confront Colton about his dishonorable ways.
I say this every. single. fucking. show. but let me reiterate it once again:
Men: omfg women are way too gossipy and cliquey and emotional and hormonal and catty to be in positions of power!
Also Men: *call themselves the Goose Gang and gossip ways to take down a bro because they're jealous of him*
Colton’s probably gonna die, and sure, that’ll be ratings gold, so I’m sure the producers will allow it
Never one to miss a sound bite opportunity, Jordan works himself up into a glorious tizzy to the cameras, giving a full-scale recap of Vietnam warfare, complete with an appearance by Captain America.
ANOTHER THING I ALWAYS SAY: Jordan is a national treasure and must be protected at all costs. AT ALL COSTS.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
There is no rose ceremony, because we’re only, somehow, some fucking way, halfway through the first wave of insanity.
THE ROSE WINNERS
No one on the face of this fucking planet
THE ROSE LOSERS
Technically no one (yet) but we end the episode abruptly with the Goose Gang confronting Colton, so, Colton.
